Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Letter to No One.

Hello You.

I'm sorry.

I know I let you down. I've been stubborn. We both know I'm like that.

You gave me so much. I took it for granted. I appreciate it in retrospect, though. I hope that means something to you.

I wish you didn't have to worry about me. I wish I could change that. I wish I could distance myself from you.

I want to be successful, I really do. Unfortunately it never seems to work.

You've encouraged me. You believed in me. I don't know if you were wrong, but I don't think you were fully right. I mean look at me. Look where I am. Look where our faith in me has landed me. We have to admit that I have a flaw. I don't know how to make money. I don't know how to support myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I'm not saying I'm useless, just broken. We both know I have myriad talents, and yet we both know I've never done anything with them.

You might think you know who you are, but you don't.

I sometimes wish you were here with me. I understand that you can't be, though. You've distanced yourself from me. You had to. I don't blame you. I never wanted you to get close in the first place. For your sake. For my sake. For our sake.

You should just keep going. Yer doing great. Forget about me. Not forever. For now. Maybe I'll surprise both of us someday. You've figured this out better than I have.

For some strange reason you look up to me. Why? Clearly you've figured out something that I haven't. Embrace it. You don't need me. You never did. You wanted to.

I think about you a lot you know. I get mad at you sometimes (can you blame me?) but mostly I worry about you.

I really hope you are reading this. I really hope we can one day reconnect. I miss you. I'm not ready for you yet though. And you don't deserve me anymore. Yes, you put up with a lot, but you abandoned me. I can never forget that. No matter how hard I try.

It's late. It's quiet, you're reading this alone. Picturing me typing it. Imagining my voice. Smiling at the fact that I've acknowledged that. Maybe even a bit emotional. Yet you're still not a hundred percent sure if this aimed directly at you.

I assure you that it is.

I think about you a lot at night. When I get sad mostly. Cuz mostly when I get sad, I think of how you contributed to putting me here. And while that does lead to me getting sad for myself, it also makes me sad for you. You pretend you're stronger than you are. I've seen the real you. I used to be there for you. I wish you wouldn't pretend, but then again you probably wish I wouldn't either. I just hope you are okay, you know? You're not my responsibility any more. Technically you never were, but that never stopped me from feeling like that. I never really got a chance to tell you how beautiful you are. I know that's probably weird coming from me, now. Still, I hope you know.

All we were ever meant to be for each other was a mirror. Things you like in me are really things you like in yourself. Things I dislike you for are things I really dislike myself for. It would do both of us well to just sit and ponder our reflection for a while.

I've wronged you in a lot of ways, but you wronged me too. Neither of us is better. We're both human. We're both flawed.

But...

BUT.... We are getting better. I typed this. And you read it.

Keep smiling. You know I will.

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