Life feels novel and new again.
I'm cold, it's winter, that's natural. Not natural for me, I usually run like a space-heater.
I'm being reckless, taking chances.
Visual patterns emerge like divine mathematics.
My hands take on an extra layer of profundity and navigate my IRL FPS
I have incredible friends. I'm incredibly grateful.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
27 and 2012
I've been dreading this blog entry for close to a decade.
I knew it would one day come.
It's hard to believe it's finally here.
The beginning of what could very well be my last year on this earth.
1.1.2012
The first day of 2012. The first day of a new year.
I am 27, and it's 2012. OFFICIALLY. No take-backsies. For realsies.
When I was in my late teens, I prophesied my own death. Not in the serious manner that statement suggests, but in a far more serendipitous revelation that sent me down a spiral of mania culminating in my early 20s.
You ever ask yourself a question inside your head and then get a knee-jerk response from a "voice" within? The voice just being your inner thought, not a perceived separate entity.
You know, something like, what do I want to eat right now? And the next thought you have/hear is omelette with mushrooms, peppers and bacon.
Well, one day, in my youth, I randomly thought to myself "When will I die?" 27.
27.
Quick and unwavering. Knee-jerk. Instantaneous. 27, was the answer. "Well that's kinda freaky/unsettling..." I thought, followed by thinking, "Wonder how?" Car accident.
Car accident. The very next discernible bit of data was "car accident". No other possibilities listed. No lilting unsure tone. Smooth, definitive delivery. Car accident.
The damage done, I sat and thought and largely have done so ever since. I even used to have a countdown on a dry erase board much to the behest of a former flame.
That experience in and of itself is scary and threatens one with what I would categorize as "unhealthy" thoughts.
Couple that with the following information and learning it all for the first time en masse thanks to the internet and a voracious curiosity that has fueled me (and possibly defined my character) my entire life and you practically have a recipe for psychosis.
In an order that I don't care to remember I learned of 2012, and its significance to the Mayans, my best friend's self-predicted age of death (30, what he would be in 2012), The Age Of Aquarius, and the 27 Club.
Maya and 2012 - 13th b'ak'tun - End of the calendar. Misinterpreted as Armageddon. Meant to be taken as The End Of Time. A Mass Spiritual Awakening.
Age Of Aquarius - We're moving from the Age Of Pisces wherein we are the "fish" in "water". Human in life. Immersed in it. Powerless to affect its ebb and flow. In the Age Of Aquarius, we'll be the water-bearers. The Water won't control us or our lives, we'll control it.
27 Club - Many famous musicians and performers have signed off at this age and I fit right in with them. Eerily well.
In my early 20s I was dating a delightfully intelligent young asian girl. (I love asian girls.) She was South Korean (I love Japanese and South Korean girls) and quick as a whip. Her beautiful outside shell was merely icing on the cake compared the gorgeous brain/intellect she housed within. Her personality and wit pulled on me like a black hole and her ethnicity/beauty communicated The Fates were at work. They sealed the deal. It seemed "too good to be true". (It was.)
In certain ways, she enabled me. Unfortunately an intellect like mine is hard to contend with when it's set its sights on a goal.
My name is Joshua, I desire to help everyone, I get along with pretty much everyone I meet, remarkably wise despite my youth, surprisingly heartfelt compared to my pervasive silliness, a naturalist concerned with whole foods and sustainability, a fierce thinker with deep interest in The Eastern Ways, a psychonaut pioneering the farthest reaches of my mind with the aid of entheogens, I was born on Christmas Eve, I'm white, I have/enjoy beards, I don't wear shoes... She, I, and many others had all been led to the same conclusion: I was the Second Coming Of Christ.
Having one person tell you they think you might be Jesus after you've lightly theorized this independently is surreal and disconcerting. Having several people do this, several times a day, without provocation is a great way to schism from reality entirely.
I've always prided myself on Observing The Observer and Breaking The Fourth Wall, so after some pensive introspection and careful analysis of my overall character and past experiences, a new more terrifying theory surfaced: I was the Anti-Christ. Nowhere in the bible does it say that the Anti-Christ, WILLINGLY, MALEVOLENTLY brings about the end of mankind. It says simply that he will unite them and ultimately lead to their downfall. It seemed perfectly reasonable to me then that he may accomplish this without setting out to do so. What if he made an invention, or gave a speech, or something that led to everyone being connected and then once THAT occurred the new Collective fucked things up on its own? This quickly became incorporated into Theory 3.0: I, Josh Vish, am both the Second Coming Of The Christ and The Anti-Christ. It stood to reason that with my innate charisma and intelligence and my burning desire to connect with the entire planet that I could totally be responsible for uniting everyone. And even though it was in the name of Love, some sort of a horrible perversion of my ideals might occur leading to cataclysm.
I'd pretty much resolved myself to loserhood/obscurity. For the sake of the planet.
Then I came to realize that a good deed is a good deed is a good deed. Like the woman that dumped expensive amounts of anointing oil on Jesus. The people around said "Hey! She coulda sold that and bought food for kids or something!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" They all said and all patted each other on the back. "She wasn't thinking right! She didn't do THE MOST good she could do!" And Jesus shut dem bitches up with, "She did was she thought was good, and that is enough."
BOOM.
That it came from her heart and was genuinely altruistic is what exonerates her of folly.
Here's this suave motherfucker, strollin' from town to town, wearin' sandals, havin' a beard, spittin' wisdom, healin' niggas, preachin', just bein' an all around badass and now he's in YOUR town. Show your appreciation/reverence. GO! And the first thing she could think of was to douse his ass in Anointing Oil. Good enough, the J Man said. Appreciated.
*Side note, Anointing Oil was made from Cannabis...
If you bought someone a pizza and then when they got home they were too full to eat the surprise steak someone else had prepared for them, are you a bad person because you indirectly contributed to them missing out on steak? Fuck no. Easy answer.
Shit. YOU DICK. How dare you buy me pizza?!?! What a thoughtless asshole! Did you ever think that maybe steak was waiting for me?! You're evil. This confirms it.
NO.
So why should I feel bad if my efforts to Unite The Planet In Harmony end with Apocalypse?
I won't.
I've since matured, and integrated my thoughts and experience into a pretty stable worldview.
I'm not Jesus. I'm not the Anti-Christ. I'm Josh Vish. Not-Quite-Jesus. Jesus-like, but not actually Jesus.
I've talked before about my belief in what is essentially a more positive slant on Solipsism. I believe I am talking to myself right now. I believe we (as in not just humans, but EVERYTHING) are all one "thing" (call it God, if you want, I do) that willfully split into all these separate parts for the sole purpose of fun. Yes, you read it, my model of spirituality, philosophy, science and religion is the Cosmos is the answer to Cosmic Boredom. Divine Bordeom. We Weren't and Now We Are. Simple as that. Time is a perception, not an absolute value and all things exist HERE, NOW. They just aren't available to humans and our limited perception. WHICH IS OKAY. THAT'S THE POINT. These meatsuits are blinders from infinity.
America, cheeseburgers, facebook, alcohol. It's all okay.
Anyhoo, while I no longer believe myself to be The Second Coming/The Anti-Christ, I still sometimes fear it. I have big plans to put into place this year and I'd be lying if I didn't profess being motivated by fear. Fear of Mortality and fear of The Unknown. I've never been one to be controlled by my fear, but fear is a tricky thing. On the physical plane, if something creates terror in me, I sprint at it. Literally. However in the intangible realm of thought and possibility it's not always so easy to choose your target.
I love movies. I love everything about them. I love stories, I love symbolism, I love photography, color, kinetics, dialogue, language, art, music, etc. And I especially love movies' ability to transcend time and space. To alleviate barriers and blur boundaries. Cinema unites us like nothing else can. Well, except maybe the Internet, but still. MILLIONS of people watch a single film and BAM! just like that, it's ingrained in the collective. Unconscious AND conscious. Like orators, books and comics before it, movies are the most successful expression of communicating to everyone at once.
For a long time now I've wanted to be a part of movies, and even have. I want even more involvement. I want it to be how I pay rent and afford food. (I AM HUNGRY.)
So in 2012, I will continue down that path, Acting, Writing, Directing, Filmmaking, and if my predictions are correct, as I gain more and more notoriety, and more influence, I'll be poised to spark ACTUAL change on this planet. Whether with my voice or a film or a book, etc.
So far, the only direct attempt at omnipresence that I'm endeavoring upon is a simple birthday wish. I'm going to make it a facebook event and everything. (That's how you know its SERIOUS BUSINESS.)
This year, for my 28th birthday and last day of being 27, 12.24.2012, I would like for EVERYONE, literally every single human being on the planet capable of thought, to stop and think and focus on LOVE. Oh and making the summer in Pittsburgh a little longer and the winter a little shorter. That last part is a selfish desire though.
So that means that at one point in time, the entire planet's population of humans will be united in an activity AND thinking of me. POWERFUL STUFF. I get my Ego stroked AND help the planet. WIN/WIN. And then, from there, if my fame dwindles to niche crowds instead of the entire planet, so be it. I will've accomplished my goal.
Hopefully 2013 will consist of spending time in Japan while continuing to make movies, smoke cannabis and lift weights.
I'm going to attempt to get to Japan in 2012 as well, but it will be from more of a tourist standpoint with the end goal of Uniting The Planet in mind. Afterward, in 2013, my time in Japan will focus SOLEY on Japan.
If I'm still alive and we're still here, in 2013 I'd like to be:
making movies for a living
lifting weights regularly
swimming routinely
practicing yoga
smoking cannabis whenever it tickles my fancy
furthering my research on entheogens
living in Japan for indefinite periods of time
on my way to connecting with my future wife
eating flesh and fresh fruits and vegetables every single day
Beyond 2013 -
Wife and kids.
Living in Japan and Western PA.
Making movies.
Doing standup.
Working out regularly.
Drawing.
Writing.
Experimenting with Farming.
Hunting.
Owning Land.
I have lots of goals and am fervently in love with the leapfrog pace of obtaining them and setting new ones. This is guaranteed to be a great year for me.
One last stitch of anxiety I'd like to address. The focus on my own mortality that 27 and 2012 have brought does not overwhelm me in the ways you might think it does. I don't care about death. I don't care about dying. It's no big deal. I'm not afraid of it. What I am afraid of is: not living. I'm afraid of not accomplishing all I want to, before dying. Even then, that's not really a concern.
Truthfully, the most unsettling anxiety this age and year have brought me is a very stereotypically human one: my parents mortality.
All this focus on death has brought an unsettling amount of consideration to the question of when will my parents die. I am terrified of losing either of them. As Buddhist as I am about my own death and the fate of the entire planet, I cannot shake the very present, very powerful fear of losing my parents.
It was the thorn in my lion's paw after conquering my thoughts on my personal mortality. I've decided that I want to live indefinitely. Not Immortal per se, just continuing as long as I wish. And as this is my wish and I've set my intent on it, I will have it. That's how things work here. Intent>Action>Reality BUT, I cannot control how my parents think/feel. Nor would I want to. Neither of them would accept life extension, I'm sure. I'm in fact sure they are just as okay with their eventual end as I am. Yet, I am not okay with theirs.
Maybe that's another not as concrete goal for 2012 and hopefully 2013?
I keep thinking that if I get rich enough, soon enough, that I can retire my parents and learn everything about them I want to know, so that when the end is near I'll be more comfortable with it. As it stands however, I want more time. I miss them.
I also hope to be institutional in bringing about Mind-Uploading and Prosthetic Bodies. Those are certainly beyond 2013 endeavors. They're going to take time. Even if they were here, now, I just don't see my parents being keen on participating.
I've learned to move past fears of my own mortality and those of my parents and the planet with the simple realization that everything is as it should be. If I don't ride around in cars all this year for fear of dying, how would I feel if on 12.24.2012 a car "randomly" fell out of the sky and killed me anyway? Pretty stupid. As it stands I'm going to die one day, in fact all of us are, but I'm not going to let that dominate my actions and enjoyment in the here and now. I'm not going to be careless or reckless or do anything to hasten its arrival but I'm also not going to diminish my quality of life with unnecessary precaution.
2012 is going to be my year. 2012: The Year Of Josh Vish.
It's either going to be my and/or our last year and thus I'll/we'll go out with a bang, or it's going to be a fierce start to whole new lifestyle. The initial explosion that sends the rocket hurtling upward into space.
Either way, it's guaranteed to be awesome.
Hello 2012, I've been waiting for you. For a long time.
My goal, for 2012 and the rest of my life: To realign mankind with the harmony of nature.
I knew it would one day come.
It's hard to believe it's finally here.
The beginning of what could very well be my last year on this earth.
1.1.2012
The first day of 2012. The first day of a new year.
I am 27, and it's 2012. OFFICIALLY. No take-backsies. For realsies.
When I was in my late teens, I prophesied my own death. Not in the serious manner that statement suggests, but in a far more serendipitous revelation that sent me down a spiral of mania culminating in my early 20s.
You ever ask yourself a question inside your head and then get a knee-jerk response from a "voice" within? The voice just being your inner thought, not a perceived separate entity.
You know, something like, what do I want to eat right now? And the next thought you have/hear is omelette with mushrooms, peppers and bacon.
Well, one day, in my youth, I randomly thought to myself "When will I die?" 27.
27.
Quick and unwavering. Knee-jerk. Instantaneous. 27, was the answer. "Well that's kinda freaky/unsettling..." I thought, followed by thinking, "Wonder how?" Car accident.
Car accident. The very next discernible bit of data was "car accident". No other possibilities listed. No lilting unsure tone. Smooth, definitive delivery. Car accident.
The damage done, I sat and thought and largely have done so ever since. I even used to have a countdown on a dry erase board much to the behest of a former flame.
That experience in and of itself is scary and threatens one with what I would categorize as "unhealthy" thoughts.
Couple that with the following information and learning it all for the first time en masse thanks to the internet and a voracious curiosity that has fueled me (and possibly defined my character) my entire life and you practically have a recipe for psychosis.
In an order that I don't care to remember I learned of 2012, and its significance to the Mayans, my best friend's self-predicted age of death (30, what he would be in 2012), The Age Of Aquarius, and the 27 Club.
Maya and 2012 - 13th b'ak'tun - End of the calendar. Misinterpreted as Armageddon. Meant to be taken as The End Of Time. A Mass Spiritual Awakening.
Age Of Aquarius - We're moving from the Age Of Pisces wherein we are the "fish" in "water". Human in life. Immersed in it. Powerless to affect its ebb and flow. In the Age Of Aquarius, we'll be the water-bearers. The Water won't control us or our lives, we'll control it.
27 Club - Many famous musicians and performers have signed off at this age and I fit right in with them. Eerily well.
In my early 20s I was dating a delightfully intelligent young asian girl. (I love asian girls.) She was South Korean (I love Japanese and South Korean girls) and quick as a whip. Her beautiful outside shell was merely icing on the cake compared the gorgeous brain/intellect she housed within. Her personality and wit pulled on me like a black hole and her ethnicity/beauty communicated The Fates were at work. They sealed the deal. It seemed "too good to be true". (It was.)
In certain ways, she enabled me. Unfortunately an intellect like mine is hard to contend with when it's set its sights on a goal.
My name is Joshua, I desire to help everyone, I get along with pretty much everyone I meet, remarkably wise despite my youth, surprisingly heartfelt compared to my pervasive silliness, a naturalist concerned with whole foods and sustainability, a fierce thinker with deep interest in The Eastern Ways, a psychonaut pioneering the farthest reaches of my mind with the aid of entheogens, I was born on Christmas Eve, I'm white, I have/enjoy beards, I don't wear shoes... She, I, and many others had all been led to the same conclusion: I was the Second Coming Of Christ.
Having one person tell you they think you might be Jesus after you've lightly theorized this independently is surreal and disconcerting. Having several people do this, several times a day, without provocation is a great way to schism from reality entirely.
I've always prided myself on Observing The Observer and Breaking The Fourth Wall, so after some pensive introspection and careful analysis of my overall character and past experiences, a new more terrifying theory surfaced: I was the Anti-Christ. Nowhere in the bible does it say that the Anti-Christ, WILLINGLY, MALEVOLENTLY brings about the end of mankind. It says simply that he will unite them and ultimately lead to their downfall. It seemed perfectly reasonable to me then that he may accomplish this without setting out to do so. What if he made an invention, or gave a speech, or something that led to everyone being connected and then once THAT occurred the new Collective fucked things up on its own? This quickly became incorporated into Theory 3.0: I, Josh Vish, am both the Second Coming Of The Christ and The Anti-Christ. It stood to reason that with my innate charisma and intelligence and my burning desire to connect with the entire planet that I could totally be responsible for uniting everyone. And even though it was in the name of Love, some sort of a horrible perversion of my ideals might occur leading to cataclysm.
I'd pretty much resolved myself to loserhood/obscurity. For the sake of the planet.
Then I came to realize that a good deed is a good deed is a good deed. Like the woman that dumped expensive amounts of anointing oil on Jesus. The people around said "Hey! She coulda sold that and bought food for kids or something!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" They all said and all patted each other on the back. "She wasn't thinking right! She didn't do THE MOST good she could do!" And Jesus shut dem bitches up with, "She did was she thought was good, and that is enough."
BOOM.
That it came from her heart and was genuinely altruistic is what exonerates her of folly.
Here's this suave motherfucker, strollin' from town to town, wearin' sandals, havin' a beard, spittin' wisdom, healin' niggas, preachin', just bein' an all around badass and now he's in YOUR town. Show your appreciation/reverence. GO! And the first thing she could think of was to douse his ass in Anointing Oil. Good enough, the J Man said. Appreciated.
*Side note, Anointing Oil was made from Cannabis...
If you bought someone a pizza and then when they got home they were too full to eat the surprise steak someone else had prepared for them, are you a bad person because you indirectly contributed to them missing out on steak? Fuck no. Easy answer.
Shit. YOU DICK. How dare you buy me pizza?!?! What a thoughtless asshole! Did you ever think that maybe steak was waiting for me?! You're evil. This confirms it.
NO.
So why should I feel bad if my efforts to Unite The Planet In Harmony end with Apocalypse?
I won't.
I've since matured, and integrated my thoughts and experience into a pretty stable worldview.
I'm not Jesus. I'm not the Anti-Christ. I'm Josh Vish. Not-Quite-Jesus. Jesus-like, but not actually Jesus.
I've talked before about my belief in what is essentially a more positive slant on Solipsism. I believe I am talking to myself right now. I believe we (as in not just humans, but EVERYTHING) are all one "thing" (call it God, if you want, I do) that willfully split into all these separate parts for the sole purpose of fun. Yes, you read it, my model of spirituality, philosophy, science and religion is the Cosmos is the answer to Cosmic Boredom. Divine Bordeom. We Weren't and Now We Are. Simple as that. Time is a perception, not an absolute value and all things exist HERE, NOW. They just aren't available to humans and our limited perception. WHICH IS OKAY. THAT'S THE POINT. These meatsuits are blinders from infinity.
America, cheeseburgers, facebook, alcohol. It's all okay.
Anyhoo, while I no longer believe myself to be The Second Coming/The Anti-Christ, I still sometimes fear it. I have big plans to put into place this year and I'd be lying if I didn't profess being motivated by fear. Fear of Mortality and fear of The Unknown. I've never been one to be controlled by my fear, but fear is a tricky thing. On the physical plane, if something creates terror in me, I sprint at it. Literally. However in the intangible realm of thought and possibility it's not always so easy to choose your target.
I love movies. I love everything about them. I love stories, I love symbolism, I love photography, color, kinetics, dialogue, language, art, music, etc. And I especially love movies' ability to transcend time and space. To alleviate barriers and blur boundaries. Cinema unites us like nothing else can. Well, except maybe the Internet, but still. MILLIONS of people watch a single film and BAM! just like that, it's ingrained in the collective. Unconscious AND conscious. Like orators, books and comics before it, movies are the most successful expression of communicating to everyone at once.
For a long time now I've wanted to be a part of movies, and even have. I want even more involvement. I want it to be how I pay rent and afford food. (I AM HUNGRY.)
So in 2012, I will continue down that path, Acting, Writing, Directing, Filmmaking, and if my predictions are correct, as I gain more and more notoriety, and more influence, I'll be poised to spark ACTUAL change on this planet. Whether with my voice or a film or a book, etc.
So far, the only direct attempt at omnipresence that I'm endeavoring upon is a simple birthday wish. I'm going to make it a facebook event and everything. (That's how you know its SERIOUS BUSINESS.)
This year, for my 28th birthday and last day of being 27, 12.24.2012, I would like for EVERYONE, literally every single human being on the planet capable of thought, to stop and think and focus on LOVE. Oh and making the summer in Pittsburgh a little longer and the winter a little shorter. That last part is a selfish desire though.
So that means that at one point in time, the entire planet's population of humans will be united in an activity AND thinking of me. POWERFUL STUFF. I get my Ego stroked AND help the planet. WIN/WIN. And then, from there, if my fame dwindles to niche crowds instead of the entire planet, so be it. I will've accomplished my goal.
Hopefully 2013 will consist of spending time in Japan while continuing to make movies, smoke cannabis and lift weights.
I'm going to attempt to get to Japan in 2012 as well, but it will be from more of a tourist standpoint with the end goal of Uniting The Planet in mind. Afterward, in 2013, my time in Japan will focus SOLEY on Japan.
If I'm still alive and we're still here, in 2013 I'd like to be:
making movies for a living
lifting weights regularly
swimming routinely
practicing yoga
smoking cannabis whenever it tickles my fancy
furthering my research on entheogens
living in Japan for indefinite periods of time
on my way to connecting with my future wife
eating flesh and fresh fruits and vegetables every single day
Beyond 2013 -
Wife and kids.
Living in Japan and Western PA.
Making movies.
Doing standup.
Working out regularly.
Drawing.
Writing.
Experimenting with Farming.
Hunting.
Owning Land.
I have lots of goals and am fervently in love with the leapfrog pace of obtaining them and setting new ones. This is guaranteed to be a great year for me.
One last stitch of anxiety I'd like to address. The focus on my own mortality that 27 and 2012 have brought does not overwhelm me in the ways you might think it does. I don't care about death. I don't care about dying. It's no big deal. I'm not afraid of it. What I am afraid of is: not living. I'm afraid of not accomplishing all I want to, before dying. Even then, that's not really a concern.
Truthfully, the most unsettling anxiety this age and year have brought me is a very stereotypically human one: my parents mortality.
All this focus on death has brought an unsettling amount of consideration to the question of when will my parents die. I am terrified of losing either of them. As Buddhist as I am about my own death and the fate of the entire planet, I cannot shake the very present, very powerful fear of losing my parents.
It was the thorn in my lion's paw after conquering my thoughts on my personal mortality. I've decided that I want to live indefinitely. Not Immortal per se, just continuing as long as I wish. And as this is my wish and I've set my intent on it, I will have it. That's how things work here. Intent>Action>Reality BUT, I cannot control how my parents think/feel. Nor would I want to. Neither of them would accept life extension, I'm sure. I'm in fact sure they are just as okay with their eventual end as I am. Yet, I am not okay with theirs.
Maybe that's another not as concrete goal for 2012 and hopefully 2013?
I keep thinking that if I get rich enough, soon enough, that I can retire my parents and learn everything about them I want to know, so that when the end is near I'll be more comfortable with it. As it stands however, I want more time. I miss them.
I also hope to be institutional in bringing about Mind-Uploading and Prosthetic Bodies. Those are certainly beyond 2013 endeavors. They're going to take time. Even if they were here, now, I just don't see my parents being keen on participating.
I've learned to move past fears of my own mortality and those of my parents and the planet with the simple realization that everything is as it should be. If I don't ride around in cars all this year for fear of dying, how would I feel if on 12.24.2012 a car "randomly" fell out of the sky and killed me anyway? Pretty stupid. As it stands I'm going to die one day, in fact all of us are, but I'm not going to let that dominate my actions and enjoyment in the here and now. I'm not going to be careless or reckless or do anything to hasten its arrival but I'm also not going to diminish my quality of life with unnecessary precaution.
2012 is going to be my year. 2012: The Year Of Josh Vish.
It's either going to be my and/or our last year and thus I'll/we'll go out with a bang, or it's going to be a fierce start to whole new lifestyle. The initial explosion that sends the rocket hurtling upward into space.
Either way, it's guaranteed to be awesome.
Hello 2012, I've been waiting for you. For a long time.
My goal, for 2012 and the rest of my life: To realign mankind with the harmony of nature.
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