Wow.
Just wow.
Self-Advice Mode: [ENGAGED]
Here we go, buddy.
Words>Comics>Animation>Movies
Create your reality. Literally. Think Synechdoche. Spirals. Actively affecting the world around you.
Side note: I FUCKING LOVE GHOST IN THE SHELL.
Let your imagination be your guide.
"Where the mind goes, the body will follow." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Overcome your weaknesses.
Constantly improve.
Get stronger, faster, more flexible, last longer, GET BETTER. Not just physically. Mentally. Spiritually.
Art is training to be God.
I want to make movies. And anime. I want appreciation/admiration for this. I want to give back to the world around me in the most correct and complete way I possibly can. <-----------Self-Actualization
Right now. At this very instant. You are creating the world around you.
Hello, Neo...
One
You had a thought, coalesced it into words, gathered motivation to express it and then physically touched your fingertips to this keyboard. Knowingly and willingly.
DON'T GIVE UP.
KEEP FIGHTING.
LIKE GUTS.
LIKE YOU.
Shave your head. Keep your beard. Keep it maintained. Work on your body. Workout. Rehab your wrist. Don't take no for an answer. Do whatever you want. Make yourself. Fix your eyes. Fix anything else you want. LIVE FOREVER. If you want to... Or die. If you want to... Buy/wear nice clothes. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Adapt. Improve. Get better. Stay young. Stretch. Train. Do pushups. Real flat palm pushups. Walk on your hands again. Use the power of your mind/spirit. Wear wraps at first and ween yourself off of them. Get a cybernetic arm. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO REALIZE YOUR DREAMS.
quit eating junk. treat yourself right. the best of the best. you deserve it. everyone does.
ONE LIFE TO LIVE.
I GO HARD.
Help everyone you meet. Unless they express desiring otherwise. Let people be.
Look in the mirror more. Both literally and metaphorically. Examine your reflection.
Temet Nosce.
Remember the past, enjoy the present, create the future.
If you haven't watched the Ghost In The Shell feature, you're not a true anime fan. Required viewing.
Spend less time on Twitter and Facebook and spend more time writing fiction and blogging. DO WORK, SON. Be productive Be-e productive. B-E P, R-O-D, U-C-T, I-V-E. Productive. That's right, productive! Cheer yourself on.
I wonder how many people reading this will understand it... (I wonder if my future self will...)
In short: Get bettter. It'll make you happier and it'll make your life better. That's not to say that you don't have anything to be happy about now. Or that your life isn't good. You do, and it is. Appreciate where you are, for sure, but strive to improve. The two are not mutually exclusive. Highly possible to do both. Be the best you that you can be. NO WASTE.
"Do not wait to express yourself fully." - Shunryu Suzuki
Closing notes, don't forget about Japan/Asia/The World. Connect with the universe. Or rather reinforce/rediscover the existing connection(s). You are one with everything and free to do anything. Literally. Seriously. If you can imagine it, you can create it. No fucking joke. Bicycles, computers, fiction, LIFE... Have an idea? Something to express? REALIZE IT. FULLY. NO COMPROMISE. But don't forget to laugh. Don't get too serious. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. What is being funny? Besides creating happiness where there was once none? Or intensifying preexisting joy? It's doing that for others. And for yourself. Perpetually. Being funny is one of the easiest ways to express love. Giving someone the simple gift of laughter. Here, friend, this is for you. [One laugh. - Love, Me] I love making people laugh. I love making myself laugh. I love sharing laughter. [Live - Laugh - Love] Cheesy teenage girl facebook-type shit, but still profound. Why you ask? Look again. Live-Laugh-Love They're all one in the same...
Go to bed on time. Control yourself.
Quit simply writing about stuff and start actually doing it.
Showing posts with label Self-Actualization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Actualization. Show all posts
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
X & Y
X and Y.
X vs. Y
Two symbols typically used to represent something unspecified but understood not to be something else, usually used in mathematics. Our culture uses them to represent two other opposing forces as well. Male and Female. An apt representation, I'd say. At first glance, what jumps out at you about these two letters? If you didn't know which represented which, how would you assign genders to these letters? To me, it's immediately obvious. X is female and Y is male.
I mean just look at them.
X (open legs) Welcoming you in, splitting two decisions down the middle and alleging with neither.
Y (phallic) Plunging forward. Ahead. Taking two scenarios and whittling away one to pursue the other.
[Stereotypically] How we do define women? Emotional, unreasonable, indecisive. Every woman you have ever known has dragged you through a department store unable to choose between this and that. Most women I know do the same thing romantically. They date a man, while pursuing other interests and then leap-frog from one to the other until they find the best match. The grass is always greener.
Men, on the other hand? How do we "shop"? Normally a male knows what he wants before he even begins making moves toward it. We go to the store with one item in mind, acquire it (or a pre-calculated back-up if it is unavailable) and roll. Quick, clean, precise.
Now granted I know that not ALL women fit into the category outlined above and nor do ALL men fit the criteria listed either, but for the sake of argument allow me to cleanly split the two to identify their opposing forces.
This all goes back to my realization that every occupation a person can hold can be distilled down to one thing: decision-making. We pay people to make our decisions for us. Personal Trainers, Chefs, Film Directors, etc. When we give them our money, we are in essence saying, "Here, these options overwhelm me, make my choice for me."
So now, unfortunately with the seemingly negative connotation of suggesting that women or the female half is "wrong" or "evil", I proffer the following: X = the inability to choose and the subsequent downfall of "the system", while Y = the ability to weigh two options, decide on one and stay the course. Y, commitment. X, undecided.
Embark on a thought experiment with me, if you will. Picture an x as it is and then continue the legs for as long as you can. They will never cross paths, and as the distance between them grows, their overall length dwindles. Taken another way, if one were to fractal with the shape of an x, eventually everything would start running into each other and the whole thing would come crashing down.
Y, has one direction. Its line continued forward goes on for infinity. Fractal it, and you have a "tree". Growth. Sustainable growth than can be traced back to a single root.
I used to be known for my decisiveness. Next to my confidence it was one of my most prominent character traits. It defined who I was. While to the outside, that may have still seemed the case, to a select few and myself it was apparent that a few years back I became more X than Y.
Spoiled for choice.
I can trace this time back to when everything in my life started to go wrong. When I lost who I was and what I was doing and what I wanted to do with my life.
Recently I have reclaimed my Y. Self-actualized my Y chromosome.
When LOST first debuted, I identified the most with Jack. Despite holding Locke in high regard. While I see my overall character as more akin to Locke than Jack, I more relate to the circumstances Jack was thrown into when the plane first hit the island. The people chose him as a leader and then ridiculed his decisions. Choosing a leader is a scapegoat. A win/win. If he fucks up, you disagree with him, if he does well, you assert that you were integral in choosing him. I have dealt with this on some scale or another for my entire life.
Take the simple act of going out to eat. You've got four people in a car all going "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" Until someone picks (typically the most decisive member available) a person to choose. That person usually being me it goes something like this,
Person A
"Where do you wanna go?"
Person B
"I dunno, where do you wanna go?"
Person C
*shrugs*
Person A
"Let's ask Josh. Make him choose. Josh, where should we go?"
Josh
"We should go to X."
Person B
"I just went to X, how about Y?"
Person C
"Y is gross and X is lame, why not Z?"
Person A
"Z? haven't been to Z in a while..."
A, B and C in unison:
"Z it is!"
Josh
"WTF?!"
Why even bother asking me if you're just going to turn down my decision?! Because they needed a force to oppose. They couldn't/can't think of anything on their own, so they look to me to draw a line in the sand and then they use that merely as a reference point. To make choices relative to. Not the actual choice.
This conflict can happen inside one's head, and often does. Mine for sure.
I'm done with worrying about what I will miss out on, because doing that isn't getting me anything anyway. If someone puts a serving of pizza and a serving of chinese before you and tells you that you can only have one, you have to make a choice. It's one or the other. Not both. Can't make a choice? Then you go hungry. Sure I may be missing out on chinese, but fuck me running this pizza is delicious...
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to counsel someone's life from the outside? The whole time you are thinking, "Man, I'm like Dr. Phil, I should have my own show...." But your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it easier to make others decisions for them versus making your own for yourself? Because when it's for an outsider, you exonerate them of responsibility. They get all of the glory with no possible defeat. Disagree with your decision, and go their own route? They become independent, self-motivated. "I didn't need his stupid advice." *applause* Listen to what you have to say and take it to heart? "I'm so glad I made the decision to go to him in the first place." "Good for you for going, I'm proud." It's safe. Guaranteed.
In your own head however, it's a solo sport. A one man team. You either get all the glory or receive all the defeat. You succeed? You move forward. You revel in your self-reliance. You fuck up? You have no one to blame but yourself.
This used to be a negative for me, but then I realized that it wasn't always that way. I chose the sports reference purposefully. As a kid I hated team sports specifically for those reasons. You win? You do well? It was the team that did well. They chose you. They trained you. They passed you the ball before you put it in the goal. Shared glory. Not my thing. But if you botch that game-winning shot? The loss is all yours. "Thanks, Josh." "Way to go, retard." Win as a team, lose as an individual.
That's what drew me to bodybuilding and martial arts and strongman. Solo. No one to defer glory or defeat to. You shoulder it all yourself. And you know what? I'd rather have it that way. You do you, Umma do me.
People chastise men like James Cameron for being an asshole. But then they thankfully sit down and watch his movies as they makes millions. Do you think Jim is sitting at home losing sleep over some PA's feelings he hurt? Fuck no, he's swimming in his millions and making Avatar 2. He's a decision-maker. A man. Negative portrayals paint him as "self-important" or "egotistical". Fuck that. He is driven and he knows what he wants. If he didn't, his movies would never get made and they wouldn't have made the absurd amount of money that they have. Success requires a certain amount of ego. I used to instinctively understand this.
It's time to get back to my roots.
I've been SUPER-depressed lately, the worst I've ever been. I've almost made it of the hole I'm in but there is still a long way to go. My life is on the edge. Thin ice. Any moment now it could all come crashing down. I mean real shit too. Not teenage emo drama bullshit, I mean like homelessness, possible legal repercussions. REAL SHIT.
On one hand I've never been more focused and driven in my entire life. I've been writing and I'm making real tangible moves toward getting my life back, but on the other I am so ready to throw in the towel. After being told I'd received "time served" meaning that my time spent in jail and on house arrest exonerated me from future fines or probation I somehow apparently owe $500+ in court costs. Money I don't even begin to MAYBE have. To compound that glorious news I have to be out of my current place by the 22nd. Less than two weeks. And I have positively nothing lined up.
X vs. Y
Or,
Two road diverge in a yellow wood...
I've been in PA on my own (more or less) for a few years now, and before I lost my way, the goal was to eventually be a rich and famous filmmaker. An enterprise. A tour-de-force. A household name. A VERB. Writer/Director/Editor/Actor. And more. Simultaneous to those titles I would be a Comedian and Martial Artist and most importantly Father. Josh Vish. Those goals seem so far away now... But at least I've re-realized them. I used to live in LA for obvious reasons and had entertained moving back until the writing bug bit me.
I'm getting older and my looks are fading, I can't (and no longer) expect to be a break-out movie star at 25. I'm not getting down on myself or saying it's an impossibility, I'm just saying that it doesn't look likely. It's a shallow business and appearance matters. What I can do is: write and direct movies and put myself in them. And largely that's what I intend to do. Not because of any ego or thinking that I "deserve to be seen" but because I like acting. It's fun for me, I enjoy the process. And that'll be one less paycheck I have to sign. ;)
So I stayed in Pittsburgh, intent to focus on my writing. But like any good writer, I slacked off. Got distracted. Invested in too many projects at once. And, eventually, lost my way. Along with my ultimate goal. I forgot why I wanted to do such things with my life. I couldn't answer why live life at all. (Honestly something I sill struggle with, but the short answer is: because I want to.) In my defense I've dealt with more bullshit in the past 3 years than most human beings, Americans deal with in their entire lives. Loss of license, job, shelter, girlfriend, spending time in jail and on house arrest. I've had a lot dividing my time away from writing and my long-term goals. And rightfully so. I need to focus on supporting myself in a real-world environment before I can devote myself to my craft again.
And I am trying.
God it feels good to say that.
I am trying.
I have a job interview today and plan to resume my community service tomorrow. Awesome. However, I still don't know where I am going to be living in 2 weeks, and that's where all this X and Y symbolism comes into play. Decisions need to be made. Courses need to be set. Roads need to be paved.
My options (whether realistic or not) are as follows (and neatly divided into categories of Fight vs. Flight):
Flight:
Leave Pittsburgh and or PA in general. Either to New Mexico (where my parents are), Japan (where my heart is) or France (where my lifestyle is). Perhaps even the UK (where a good portion of my mind resides)
Fight:
Find another place in Cory, secure the job I'm interviewing for today (or another one), finish my community service and then move to one of the places listed above.
Flight really isn't an option. Legally I am backed into a corner. The Man (think the law personified as Jason Voorhees, or Michael Myers) is looming over me, and while I could probably squeeze under his legs and run into the woods, he'd eventually get me. He always does. He will inevitably catch up to whomever he is chasing. So my only real option is fight. Here. Now. And with what I have. Sure he is big and carrying a weapon, but creatures do amazing thing when they are forced to. I'm a somewhat larger fellow myself, and mildly aware of some martial arts... perhaps I will wait for him to strike, block the blow, hip-toss him and then dismember him with his own weapon. Or my bare-hands if needed. In non-symbolic terms that translates to:
I can't leave here (here being the Pittsburgh area) until I have paid of the inexplicable $500 I owe and completed the remaining 152 hours of community service I still am court-ordered to do. Seemingly simple tasks, but being licenseless and about to be homeless complicates matters. Greatly.
My ideal itinerary would look like this:
I stay here until I have completed the above requirements and regained my license. And ideally that whole time I'd simultaneously be getting back in shape at the gym job I hopefully secure today. After that I would bounce. I get my license back in August and feel I owe Pittsburgh one last chance at providing me with a nice summer. Instead of one in a cast, or jail. After that, with my ultimate goal of becoming a rich and famous filmmaker father I'd very likely head out west. Probably first to New Mexico. I've researched it a fair bit and in addition to reuniting with my parents (which I love and miss very much) I'd be afforded a great many deal of opportunities. The greatest of which being free school. My parents have offered to put me through school. Wow. Talk about second chances. When you're 19 (and cocky, not just for that age but as an inherent character trait) and interested in creative careers, school seems fruitless. [19 year old Josh]: "The only reason I'd ever go to school for movies, is to network. Other than that, it's pointless. I don't want them ruining my creativity with their retarded rules and guidelines."
While a good portion of me still feels that way, the older and wiser part knows better. School will only destroy my creativity or put it in a box if I let it. And then of course there's that glorious networking, being surrounded by individuals who share my passion. Sure to be inspiring. It always was in the gym. And other people's workouts never seemed to affect my own, or my progress. So why should their schoolwork affect mine? It shan't and won't. Unless I let it. There are people in the world right now who would very likely kill to be in my shoes. Now and meaning with this opportunity. Free school? Only a retard would turn it down. Besides, in addition to cinema, I'd be able to pursue other avenues of my interest as well. Like Japan. Or psychology. Or botany. With school the options are endless. So I'd very much like to go, majoring in Cinema, while learning the Japanese language and as much about their culture and history in a school environment as I can. After that, I become a global force in media and move to Japan. Not necessarily in that order. Shortly after traveling the globe and seeing my share of sights and interacting with my share of cultures and people I'll decide on a place to live and raise a family. All while comfortably still dominating the movie world. That is the goal that is going to lay my path out for me.
This job I'm going to be interviewing for today is by no means a dream job, but on many levels it is. It is near perfect for where I am in my life right now. And considering my goals. Fitness used to be HUGE part of my life and I'm trying to make it that way again. While I no longer want to personally train people, I still do want to be in peak physical condition. I also plan on owning a gym (or 37) "when I grow up". Just one part of the Vish Empire I plan to create after the millions from my films start rolling in. Not only do I miss being in a gym simply for the effect it has on my body, but also for the one it has on my mind. I miss the symbolism of working out just as much (if not more) than the actual physical process. That's another thing, I don't just enjoy the results, I enjoy the process. Being built is a side-effect of doing something I enjoy, something that makes me feel good. Filmmaking should likely end up being the same way. I miss having physical tangible results day in day out mirroring the effort I put in. Learning to push myself in the gym spilled out into the real world. Goals in life are just the same as goals in the weight room. You define one and then work toward it. And progressive-resistance training is a great symbol for how to achieve in general. You take where you are now, measure it against where you want to be and then take systematic steps toward it. I miss that. I miss watching the numbers increase on the tape measurer, the scale and in my books. My books being where I logged how much I lifted and how many times. There's few feelings in life as great as going all out one day, recording the result and then coming back the next week and pushing beyond it. You feel invincible. Unstoppable. I used to feel that way about everything, not just working out. It's time to regain that. The position I've applied for and am interviewing today is that of Front Desk. Face-Man. The Face of YMCA. I can do that. I can more than do that. I'm a born and bred social creature. Very easy to approach. Very welcoming, very familiar. In most any walk of life you can imagine, people gravitate toward me. Especially in a gym environment. I've had a very similar job before and despite the douchebag management it was one of my favorite jobs I've ever held. A fact I only realized in retrospect, unfortunately. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that. My main duty would be interacting with people. Perfect. In addition to that I'd be afforded a free membership. Something I have been dying for even since before I broke my wrist two years back. The portion of their set-up that I would actually utilize is meager, but it would get the job done. The basics are all there. And besides it's best not to go too crazy right out the gate. After about 5 years of no longer maintaining a regular work-out routine, and this past year of living the absolute definition of a sedentary lifestyle, easing back into the water will likely be for the best.
That's a lot of birds being murdered with not a lot of stones being thrown. Money to support myself. Check. Money to put toward my fines (or court costs or whatever the fuck they are). Check. Gym membership to get my body, mind and soul back in solid health. Check. The only downsides are that it's part-time and downtown. Quite a commute for one without a car. Heck it'd be one even if I did have a car. But I'm not gonna let that stop me. A part time job is better than nothing right now and it being downtown affords me an excuse to walk (lending to my fitness again) and see the sights of the city. And to be exposed to its people. Here's hoping I get it. :D After a few chores around the house here and getting myself ready (hygienically as well as mentally) I'll take the bus down and put my best foot forward. And even if I don't get it, at least I can say I did that.
This Y is forging ahead.
X vs. Y
Two symbols typically used to represent something unspecified but understood not to be something else, usually used in mathematics. Our culture uses them to represent two other opposing forces as well. Male and Female. An apt representation, I'd say. At first glance, what jumps out at you about these two letters? If you didn't know which represented which, how would you assign genders to these letters? To me, it's immediately obvious. X is female and Y is male.
I mean just look at them.
X (open legs) Welcoming you in, splitting two decisions down the middle and alleging with neither.
Y (phallic) Plunging forward. Ahead. Taking two scenarios and whittling away one to pursue the other.
[Stereotypically] How we do define women? Emotional, unreasonable, indecisive. Every woman you have ever known has dragged you through a department store unable to choose between this and that. Most women I know do the same thing romantically. They date a man, while pursuing other interests and then leap-frog from one to the other until they find the best match. The grass is always greener.
Men, on the other hand? How do we "shop"? Normally a male knows what he wants before he even begins making moves toward it. We go to the store with one item in mind, acquire it (or a pre-calculated back-up if it is unavailable) and roll. Quick, clean, precise.
Now granted I know that not ALL women fit into the category outlined above and nor do ALL men fit the criteria listed either, but for the sake of argument allow me to cleanly split the two to identify their opposing forces.
This all goes back to my realization that every occupation a person can hold can be distilled down to one thing: decision-making. We pay people to make our decisions for us. Personal Trainers, Chefs, Film Directors, etc. When we give them our money, we are in essence saying, "Here, these options overwhelm me, make my choice for me."
So now, unfortunately with the seemingly negative connotation of suggesting that women or the female half is "wrong" or "evil", I proffer the following: X = the inability to choose and the subsequent downfall of "the system", while Y = the ability to weigh two options, decide on one and stay the course. Y, commitment. X, undecided.
Embark on a thought experiment with me, if you will. Picture an x as it is and then continue the legs for as long as you can. They will never cross paths, and as the distance between them grows, their overall length dwindles. Taken another way, if one were to fractal with the shape of an x, eventually everything would start running into each other and the whole thing would come crashing down.
Y, has one direction. Its line continued forward goes on for infinity. Fractal it, and you have a "tree". Growth. Sustainable growth than can be traced back to a single root.
I used to be known for my decisiveness. Next to my confidence it was one of my most prominent character traits. It defined who I was. While to the outside, that may have still seemed the case, to a select few and myself it was apparent that a few years back I became more X than Y.
Spoiled for choice.
I can trace this time back to when everything in my life started to go wrong. When I lost who I was and what I was doing and what I wanted to do with my life.
Recently I have reclaimed my Y. Self-actualized my Y chromosome.
When LOST first debuted, I identified the most with Jack. Despite holding Locke in high regard. While I see my overall character as more akin to Locke than Jack, I more relate to the circumstances Jack was thrown into when the plane first hit the island. The people chose him as a leader and then ridiculed his decisions. Choosing a leader is a scapegoat. A win/win. If he fucks up, you disagree with him, if he does well, you assert that you were integral in choosing him. I have dealt with this on some scale or another for my entire life.
Take the simple act of going out to eat. You've got four people in a car all going "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" Until someone picks (typically the most decisive member available) a person to choose. That person usually being me it goes something like this,
Person A
"Where do you wanna go?"
Person B
"I dunno, where do you wanna go?"
Person C
*shrugs*
Person A
"Let's ask Josh. Make him choose. Josh, where should we go?"
Josh
"We should go to X."
Person B
"I just went to X, how about Y?"
Person C
"Y is gross and X is lame, why not Z?"
Person A
"Z? haven't been to Z in a while..."
A, B and C in unison:
"Z it is!"
Josh
"WTF?!"
Why even bother asking me if you're just going to turn down my decision?! Because they needed a force to oppose. They couldn't/can't think of anything on their own, so they look to me to draw a line in the sand and then they use that merely as a reference point. To make choices relative to. Not the actual choice.
This conflict can happen inside one's head, and often does. Mine for sure.
I'm done with worrying about what I will miss out on, because doing that isn't getting me anything anyway. If someone puts a serving of pizza and a serving of chinese before you and tells you that you can only have one, you have to make a choice. It's one or the other. Not both. Can't make a choice? Then you go hungry. Sure I may be missing out on chinese, but fuck me running this pizza is delicious...
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to counsel someone's life from the outside? The whole time you are thinking, "Man, I'm like Dr. Phil, I should have my own show...." But your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it easier to make others decisions for them versus making your own for yourself? Because when it's for an outsider, you exonerate them of responsibility. They get all of the glory with no possible defeat. Disagree with your decision, and go their own route? They become independent, self-motivated. "I didn't need his stupid advice." *applause* Listen to what you have to say and take it to heart? "I'm so glad I made the decision to go to him in the first place." "Good for you for going, I'm proud." It's safe. Guaranteed.
In your own head however, it's a solo sport. A one man team. You either get all the glory or receive all the defeat. You succeed? You move forward. You revel in your self-reliance. You fuck up? You have no one to blame but yourself.
This used to be a negative for me, but then I realized that it wasn't always that way. I chose the sports reference purposefully. As a kid I hated team sports specifically for those reasons. You win? You do well? It was the team that did well. They chose you. They trained you. They passed you the ball before you put it in the goal. Shared glory. Not my thing. But if you botch that game-winning shot? The loss is all yours. "Thanks, Josh." "Way to go, retard." Win as a team, lose as an individual.
That's what drew me to bodybuilding and martial arts and strongman. Solo. No one to defer glory or defeat to. You shoulder it all yourself. And you know what? I'd rather have it that way. You do you, Umma do me.
People chastise men like James Cameron for being an asshole. But then they thankfully sit down and watch his movies as they makes millions. Do you think Jim is sitting at home losing sleep over some PA's feelings he hurt? Fuck no, he's swimming in his millions and making Avatar 2. He's a decision-maker. A man. Negative portrayals paint him as "self-important" or "egotistical". Fuck that. He is driven and he knows what he wants. If he didn't, his movies would never get made and they wouldn't have made the absurd amount of money that they have. Success requires a certain amount of ego. I used to instinctively understand this.
It's time to get back to my roots.
I've been SUPER-depressed lately, the worst I've ever been. I've almost made it of the hole I'm in but there is still a long way to go. My life is on the edge. Thin ice. Any moment now it could all come crashing down. I mean real shit too. Not teenage emo drama bullshit, I mean like homelessness, possible legal repercussions. REAL SHIT.
On one hand I've never been more focused and driven in my entire life. I've been writing and I'm making real tangible moves toward getting my life back, but on the other I am so ready to throw in the towel. After being told I'd received "time served" meaning that my time spent in jail and on house arrest exonerated me from future fines or probation I somehow apparently owe $500+ in court costs. Money I don't even begin to MAYBE have. To compound that glorious news I have to be out of my current place by the 22nd. Less than two weeks. And I have positively nothing lined up.
X vs. Y
Or,
Two road diverge in a yellow wood...
I've been in PA on my own (more or less) for a few years now, and before I lost my way, the goal was to eventually be a rich and famous filmmaker. An enterprise. A tour-de-force. A household name. A VERB. Writer/Director/Editor/Actor. And more. Simultaneous to those titles I would be a Comedian and Martial Artist and most importantly Father. Josh Vish. Those goals seem so far away now... But at least I've re-realized them. I used to live in LA for obvious reasons and had entertained moving back until the writing bug bit me.
I'm getting older and my looks are fading, I can't (and no longer) expect to be a break-out movie star at 25. I'm not getting down on myself or saying it's an impossibility, I'm just saying that it doesn't look likely. It's a shallow business and appearance matters. What I can do is: write and direct movies and put myself in them. And largely that's what I intend to do. Not because of any ego or thinking that I "deserve to be seen" but because I like acting. It's fun for me, I enjoy the process. And that'll be one less paycheck I have to sign. ;)
So I stayed in Pittsburgh, intent to focus on my writing. But like any good writer, I slacked off. Got distracted. Invested in too many projects at once. And, eventually, lost my way. Along with my ultimate goal. I forgot why I wanted to do such things with my life. I couldn't answer why live life at all. (Honestly something I sill struggle with, but the short answer is: because I want to.) In my defense I've dealt with more bullshit in the past 3 years than most human beings, Americans deal with in their entire lives. Loss of license, job, shelter, girlfriend, spending time in jail and on house arrest. I've had a lot dividing my time away from writing and my long-term goals. And rightfully so. I need to focus on supporting myself in a real-world environment before I can devote myself to my craft again.
And I am trying.
God it feels good to say that.
I am trying.
I have a job interview today and plan to resume my community service tomorrow. Awesome. However, I still don't know where I am going to be living in 2 weeks, and that's where all this X and Y symbolism comes into play. Decisions need to be made. Courses need to be set. Roads need to be paved.
My options (whether realistic or not) are as follows (and neatly divided into categories of Fight vs. Flight):
Flight:
Leave Pittsburgh and or PA in general. Either to New Mexico (where my parents are), Japan (where my heart is) or France (where my lifestyle is). Perhaps even the UK (where a good portion of my mind resides)
Fight:
Find another place in Cory, secure the job I'm interviewing for today (or another one), finish my community service and then move to one of the places listed above.
Flight really isn't an option. Legally I am backed into a corner. The Man (think the law personified as Jason Voorhees, or Michael Myers) is looming over me, and while I could probably squeeze under his legs and run into the woods, he'd eventually get me. He always does. He will inevitably catch up to whomever he is chasing. So my only real option is fight. Here. Now. And with what I have. Sure he is big and carrying a weapon, but creatures do amazing thing when they are forced to. I'm a somewhat larger fellow myself, and mildly aware of some martial arts... perhaps I will wait for him to strike, block the blow, hip-toss him and then dismember him with his own weapon. Or my bare-hands if needed. In non-symbolic terms that translates to:
I can't leave here (here being the Pittsburgh area) until I have paid of the inexplicable $500 I owe and completed the remaining 152 hours of community service I still am court-ordered to do. Seemingly simple tasks, but being licenseless and about to be homeless complicates matters. Greatly.
My ideal itinerary would look like this:
I stay here until I have completed the above requirements and regained my license. And ideally that whole time I'd simultaneously be getting back in shape at the gym job I hopefully secure today. After that I would bounce. I get my license back in August and feel I owe Pittsburgh one last chance at providing me with a nice summer. Instead of one in a cast, or jail. After that, with my ultimate goal of becoming a rich and famous filmmaker father I'd very likely head out west. Probably first to New Mexico. I've researched it a fair bit and in addition to reuniting with my parents (which I love and miss very much) I'd be afforded a great many deal of opportunities. The greatest of which being free school. My parents have offered to put me through school. Wow. Talk about second chances. When you're 19 (and cocky, not just for that age but as an inherent character trait) and interested in creative careers, school seems fruitless. [19 year old Josh]: "The only reason I'd ever go to school for movies, is to network. Other than that, it's pointless. I don't want them ruining my creativity with their retarded rules and guidelines."
While a good portion of me still feels that way, the older and wiser part knows better. School will only destroy my creativity or put it in a box if I let it. And then of course there's that glorious networking, being surrounded by individuals who share my passion. Sure to be inspiring. It always was in the gym. And other people's workouts never seemed to affect my own, or my progress. So why should their schoolwork affect mine? It shan't and won't. Unless I let it. There are people in the world right now who would very likely kill to be in my shoes. Now and meaning with this opportunity. Free school? Only a retard would turn it down. Besides, in addition to cinema, I'd be able to pursue other avenues of my interest as well. Like Japan. Or psychology. Or botany. With school the options are endless. So I'd very much like to go, majoring in Cinema, while learning the Japanese language and as much about their culture and history in a school environment as I can. After that, I become a global force in media and move to Japan. Not necessarily in that order. Shortly after traveling the globe and seeing my share of sights and interacting with my share of cultures and people I'll decide on a place to live and raise a family. All while comfortably still dominating the movie world. That is the goal that is going to lay my path out for me.
This job I'm going to be interviewing for today is by no means a dream job, but on many levels it is. It is near perfect for where I am in my life right now. And considering my goals. Fitness used to be HUGE part of my life and I'm trying to make it that way again. While I no longer want to personally train people, I still do want to be in peak physical condition. I also plan on owning a gym (or 37) "when I grow up". Just one part of the Vish Empire I plan to create after the millions from my films start rolling in. Not only do I miss being in a gym simply for the effect it has on my body, but also for the one it has on my mind. I miss the symbolism of working out just as much (if not more) than the actual physical process. That's another thing, I don't just enjoy the results, I enjoy the process. Being built is a side-effect of doing something I enjoy, something that makes me feel good. Filmmaking should likely end up being the same way. I miss having physical tangible results day in day out mirroring the effort I put in. Learning to push myself in the gym spilled out into the real world. Goals in life are just the same as goals in the weight room. You define one and then work toward it. And progressive-resistance training is a great symbol for how to achieve in general. You take where you are now, measure it against where you want to be and then take systematic steps toward it. I miss that. I miss watching the numbers increase on the tape measurer, the scale and in my books. My books being where I logged how much I lifted and how many times. There's few feelings in life as great as going all out one day, recording the result and then coming back the next week and pushing beyond it. You feel invincible. Unstoppable. I used to feel that way about everything, not just working out. It's time to regain that. The position I've applied for and am interviewing today is that of Front Desk. Face-Man. The Face of YMCA. I can do that. I can more than do that. I'm a born and bred social creature. Very easy to approach. Very welcoming, very familiar. In most any walk of life you can imagine, people gravitate toward me. Especially in a gym environment. I've had a very similar job before and despite the douchebag management it was one of my favorite jobs I've ever held. A fact I only realized in retrospect, unfortunately. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that. My main duty would be interacting with people. Perfect. In addition to that I'd be afforded a free membership. Something I have been dying for even since before I broke my wrist two years back. The portion of their set-up that I would actually utilize is meager, but it would get the job done. The basics are all there. And besides it's best not to go too crazy right out the gate. After about 5 years of no longer maintaining a regular work-out routine, and this past year of living the absolute definition of a sedentary lifestyle, easing back into the water will likely be for the best.
That's a lot of birds being murdered with not a lot of stones being thrown. Money to support myself. Check. Money to put toward my fines (or court costs or whatever the fuck they are). Check. Gym membership to get my body, mind and soul back in solid health. Check. The only downsides are that it's part-time and downtown. Quite a commute for one without a car. Heck it'd be one even if I did have a car. But I'm not gonna let that stop me. A part time job is better than nothing right now and it being downtown affords me an excuse to walk (lending to my fitness again) and see the sights of the city. And to be exposed to its people. Here's hoping I get it. :D After a few chores around the house here and getting myself ready (hygienically as well as mentally) I'll take the bus down and put my best foot forward. And even if I don't get it, at least I can say I did that.
This Y is forging ahead.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday (Time for change.)
I was gonna type this whole big thing that was dripping with symbolism about some guy gearin' up to fight and then gettin' his ass kicked by a personified Monday, but that seemed contrived and I'm lazy.
I've often heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Now obviously that's not the medical definition, but it's still a pretty good barometer for mental health. According to that adage, I'm crazy in the coconut. And have been for quite some time now.
Today was supposed to be a big day. A good day. A fresh start. "The first day of the rest of my life." Instead it just got thrown in the pile with every other day I've ever wasted. I wanted to wake up at 9 or 10, go get my hair cut and then meet up with my sister for a spot of adventure ending sometime before 4 (when she goes to work.) After that I was going to walk around and look for places to work or do community service. Preferably both.
I ended up waking up at 3:30PM.
I have had a problem with sleeping since about sophomore year of high-school. Give or take a year. I never seem to be able to fall asleep at normal times and waking up before noon is near impossible. Except for when I lived in LA and woke up every day, on the dot, at 8AM with no alarm clock. Sun shinin', birds chirpin' and I'd just pop out of bed and proceed with my day. Back here in PA however, you'd be hard-pressed to wake me for anything. Free cheeseburgers, you say? They need time to cool, I don't like really hot food anyway.... Naked virgins eager for me? Let 'em wait a little bit longer, it'll build up the tension... Nuclear holocaust underway? I'm probably irrevocably irradiated now anyway, might as well enjoy some sleep while I can...
No matter the incentive I will rationalize a way to stay in bed. On-the-cusp-of-waking-Josh's logic is infallible. Of Vulcanic accuracy. This pattern of behavior has gotten me kicked out of school and fired from more than a few jobs. The exception to the rule was that damn LA, though. And my pre-high-school years. How come I was able to wake so easily then? And go to bed at a decent hour? Must be D.S.P.S. I concluded. Everything I read about it coincided with my preferred pattern of sleeping.
Inability to fall asleep before 2AM? Check.
Inability to wake before noon? Check.
Fruitless attempts at "resetting my clock" by staying up for a few days straight and then going to bed at a decent time? Check.
If I go to bed at say 5 or 6am, maybe even 7, I can wake up at noon no problem. Completely refreshed. I fall asleep quickly, sleep soundly and the very moment I open my eyes, I am awake. If I try going to bed at 11PM or midnight, I lay there for hours in the silent dark thinking about absolutely everything until maybe conking out around 4 or 5. Then next morning when my 3 alarms go off in one minute succession of each other, I have shut them off and laid back down without so much as a conscious thought going through my brain.
I've tried everything. Different job schedules like 2-10, drinking coffee in the morning, exercise... Nothing seems to change the fact that I simply do not want to get out of bed. Ever. I'm still in bed right now.
Before I discovered the parameters of DSPS I hypothesized a similar disorder. It seemed to me that normal people wake for 16 hours and sleep for 8. And for the average employed American that 8 ran from about midnight to 8AM. I however like to sleep for anywhere from 12 to 24 hours or more and wake for 24 to 48 or more hours. I simply have a longer cycle. Longer days, longer nights.
While I still think there is some validity to that, and also the DSPS, I think there is a more concise underlying problem. Indeed likely the root of all my problems.
There are simply too many variables to work through to observe an obvious pattern and I'm too deeply involved for an objective view but it would seem to me that about the time I discovered women, introspection and self-actualization was the same time my sleeping problem began. It'd be unfair to solely blame it on my first girlfriend for entering my life and it'd also be a cop out to just say it came with adulthood.
Up until about 16 or 17 I was the character many people remember me to be and I largely still consider myself to be. I was your typical bored smart kid. Your textbook case of intelligent class clown. I finished my work before everyone else and was left with a surplus amount of time to myself. So I became disruptive. Discovered the joys of making others laugh. Thus the Josh Vish many know and love was born. About that time is also when my grades started slipping. I was fiercely intelligent but self-destructively stubborn. Why should I do this tedious homework when I know I'll already get a perfect on the test? Foolish... My standardized testing scores were literally off the charts, my IQ test had me well above the genius bracket, and yet shortly after all this was discovered my grades slumped to average at best. Just barely passing by high-school. I'd ace the tests and get incompletes on the homework assignments. As + Fs = Cs. I didn't do homework because "my home time is my time."
What happened here? Is this the source of my cockiness? Did telling an 8 year old boy he is literally smarter than all the adults in the building and that he has more potential to increase his intelligence than 90% of the entire population, cripple him? Cripple me? Was I too immature to deal with such news? There is a difference between intelligence and maturity.
I STILL have this attitude that I can accomplish whatever I want, yet I barely ever try at anything. Anything I've ever seemingly "accomplished" has come to me naturally. Drawing was an innate skill that I honed during my free time in school, sure, but truth be told I never really had to work at it. Or being funny. It just came naturally. Losing weight and getting into shape, an admirable feat for sure but still it didn't require too much effort on my part. Maybe I'm selling myself short? I did after all put in the hours at the gym and monitor my eating with precision the rest of the day... it's just that.... it never felt hard. It never felt like work. I couldn't understand how other people who claim to want to be in shape weren't. It's so easy, it's so simple, I thought. How are they not getting it?
Ah ha, there's the rub. I've always followed the path of least resistance. I've never really been challenged in my entire life. Whether it's because I avoid challenges or because nothing is worthy to challenge me is up for debate. It is likely a combination of the two. I had even designed a quote to excuse my supposed overflowing talent yet lack of observable achievements:
When it's easy to do anything, it's hard to do something.
Why did I stop drawing? During my school years and my short run in the office world I drew habitually. Almost obsessively. Was it simply a way to escape the monotony of the day? When I have hours of free time now, I don't draw. In fact, I don't even entertain the idea of wanting to draw. The only time I want to draw is when there is something else I'm supposed to be doing.
Nowadays I don't understand how they could have thought I was so ridiculously intelligent. If I'm so smart, how come I'm such a loser? If all these people with supposedly inferior intellects are successful in modern society, why aren't I?
Simple. Because I don't want it.
Why don't I wake up? I don't want to.
I am a HUGE proponent that people will do whatever it is they actually want to do.
If you are overweight and can't seem to get in shape, it's not because you're doing something wrong, it's because you don't want it bad enough.
If I can't wake up on time, find and hold a job, move toward being a filmmaker, etc.. it's not because my approach is somehow flawed or because the world is against me, it's because at the core I don't truly desire it.
I was a fat kid for years. I never spoke of wanting to lose weight, I just did. One day I just got my act together and started doing what was necessary. BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED IT.
This is my problem. At the core, I don't think I want to do anything.
When i was in jail, I modified my quote to:
I can do anything, I want to do something.
I have no clear-cut goals. I used to want to be a father. Part of me still thinks I do. Filmmaker, comedian, bodybuilder, artist... All these things I claim I want to be, I am making no moves toward becoming.
"Shoot for the moon land amongst the stars", I'm on the moon like, okay.... now what?! Why bother setting another goal if this one is so lofty for so many?
A good friend of mine once added an addendum to a popular quote:
"I think therefore I am... depressed."
I've often heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Now obviously that's not the medical definition, but it's still a pretty good barometer for mental health. According to that adage, I'm crazy in the coconut. And have been for quite some time now.
Today was supposed to be a big day. A good day. A fresh start. "The first day of the rest of my life." Instead it just got thrown in the pile with every other day I've ever wasted. I wanted to wake up at 9 or 10, go get my hair cut and then meet up with my sister for a spot of adventure ending sometime before 4 (when she goes to work.) After that I was going to walk around and look for places to work or do community service. Preferably both.
I ended up waking up at 3:30PM.
I have had a problem with sleeping since about sophomore year of high-school. Give or take a year. I never seem to be able to fall asleep at normal times and waking up before noon is near impossible. Except for when I lived in LA and woke up every day, on the dot, at 8AM with no alarm clock. Sun shinin', birds chirpin' and I'd just pop out of bed and proceed with my day. Back here in PA however, you'd be hard-pressed to wake me for anything. Free cheeseburgers, you say? They need time to cool, I don't like really hot food anyway.... Naked virgins eager for me? Let 'em wait a little bit longer, it'll build up the tension... Nuclear holocaust underway? I'm probably irrevocably irradiated now anyway, might as well enjoy some sleep while I can...
No matter the incentive I will rationalize a way to stay in bed. On-the-cusp-of-waking-Josh's logic is infallible. Of Vulcanic accuracy. This pattern of behavior has gotten me kicked out of school and fired from more than a few jobs. The exception to the rule was that damn LA, though. And my pre-high-school years. How come I was able to wake so easily then? And go to bed at a decent hour? Must be D.S.P.S. I concluded. Everything I read about it coincided with my preferred pattern of sleeping.
Inability to fall asleep before 2AM? Check.
Inability to wake before noon? Check.
Fruitless attempts at "resetting my clock" by staying up for a few days straight and then going to bed at a decent time? Check.
If I go to bed at say 5 or 6am, maybe even 7, I can wake up at noon no problem. Completely refreshed. I fall asleep quickly, sleep soundly and the very moment I open my eyes, I am awake. If I try going to bed at 11PM or midnight, I lay there for hours in the silent dark thinking about absolutely everything until maybe conking out around 4 or 5. Then next morning when my 3 alarms go off in one minute succession of each other, I have shut them off and laid back down without so much as a conscious thought going through my brain.
I've tried everything. Different job schedules like 2-10, drinking coffee in the morning, exercise... Nothing seems to change the fact that I simply do not want to get out of bed. Ever. I'm still in bed right now.
Before I discovered the parameters of DSPS I hypothesized a similar disorder. It seemed to me that normal people wake for 16 hours and sleep for 8. And for the average employed American that 8 ran from about midnight to 8AM. I however like to sleep for anywhere from 12 to 24 hours or more and wake for 24 to 48 or more hours. I simply have a longer cycle. Longer days, longer nights.
While I still think there is some validity to that, and also the DSPS, I think there is a more concise underlying problem. Indeed likely the root of all my problems.
There are simply too many variables to work through to observe an obvious pattern and I'm too deeply involved for an objective view but it would seem to me that about the time I discovered women, introspection and self-actualization was the same time my sleeping problem began. It'd be unfair to solely blame it on my first girlfriend for entering my life and it'd also be a cop out to just say it came with adulthood.
Up until about 16 or 17 I was the character many people remember me to be and I largely still consider myself to be. I was your typical bored smart kid. Your textbook case of intelligent class clown. I finished my work before everyone else and was left with a surplus amount of time to myself. So I became disruptive. Discovered the joys of making others laugh. Thus the Josh Vish many know and love was born. About that time is also when my grades started slipping. I was fiercely intelligent but self-destructively stubborn. Why should I do this tedious homework when I know I'll already get a perfect on the test? Foolish... My standardized testing scores were literally off the charts, my IQ test had me well above the genius bracket, and yet shortly after all this was discovered my grades slumped to average at best. Just barely passing by high-school. I'd ace the tests and get incompletes on the homework assignments. As + Fs = Cs. I didn't do homework because "my home time is my time."
What happened here? Is this the source of my cockiness? Did telling an 8 year old boy he is literally smarter than all the adults in the building and that he has more potential to increase his intelligence than 90% of the entire population, cripple him? Cripple me? Was I too immature to deal with such news? There is a difference between intelligence and maturity.
I STILL have this attitude that I can accomplish whatever I want, yet I barely ever try at anything. Anything I've ever seemingly "accomplished" has come to me naturally. Drawing was an innate skill that I honed during my free time in school, sure, but truth be told I never really had to work at it. Or being funny. It just came naturally. Losing weight and getting into shape, an admirable feat for sure but still it didn't require too much effort on my part. Maybe I'm selling myself short? I did after all put in the hours at the gym and monitor my eating with precision the rest of the day... it's just that.... it never felt hard. It never felt like work. I couldn't understand how other people who claim to want to be in shape weren't. It's so easy, it's so simple, I thought. How are they not getting it?
Ah ha, there's the rub. I've always followed the path of least resistance. I've never really been challenged in my entire life. Whether it's because I avoid challenges or because nothing is worthy to challenge me is up for debate. It is likely a combination of the two. I had even designed a quote to excuse my supposed overflowing talent yet lack of observable achievements:
When it's easy to do anything, it's hard to do something.
Why did I stop drawing? During my school years and my short run in the office world I drew habitually. Almost obsessively. Was it simply a way to escape the monotony of the day? When I have hours of free time now, I don't draw. In fact, I don't even entertain the idea of wanting to draw. The only time I want to draw is when there is something else I'm supposed to be doing.
Nowadays I don't understand how they could have thought I was so ridiculously intelligent. If I'm so smart, how come I'm such a loser? If all these people with supposedly inferior intellects are successful in modern society, why aren't I?
Simple. Because I don't want it.
Why don't I wake up? I don't want to.
I am a HUGE proponent that people will do whatever it is they actually want to do.
If you are overweight and can't seem to get in shape, it's not because you're doing something wrong, it's because you don't want it bad enough.
If I can't wake up on time, find and hold a job, move toward being a filmmaker, etc.. it's not because my approach is somehow flawed or because the world is against me, it's because at the core I don't truly desire it.
I was a fat kid for years. I never spoke of wanting to lose weight, I just did. One day I just got my act together and started doing what was necessary. BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED IT.
This is my problem. At the core, I don't think I want to do anything.
When i was in jail, I modified my quote to:
I can do anything, I want to do something.
I have no clear-cut goals. I used to want to be a father. Part of me still thinks I do. Filmmaker, comedian, bodybuilder, artist... All these things I claim I want to be, I am making no moves toward becoming.
"Shoot for the moon land amongst the stars", I'm on the moon like, okay.... now what?! Why bother setting another goal if this one is so lofty for so many?
A good friend of mine once added an addendum to a popular quote:
"I think therefore I am... depressed."
I largely believe this to be the case. Too many times and from too many people I have been told that "You are too smart for your own good." I used to cite it as my tragic flaw, much to a former flame's behest. She'd conjecture with "It can't be your tragic flaw because that means it will ultimately lead to your downfall." To which I'd just stare at her blankly and wait for her to catch on. It goes back to "Thinking is the enemy of perfection." Our culture values careful planning and long-term goals. It looks down upon brash spur-of-the-moment decisions. Anything I have ever done, good or bad comes down to spontaneous decision making. The creation of this blog. This very entry. Drawing. Being funny. Losing weight. Gaining muscle. Making funny little skit videos. Nothing I have claimed to want or laid down plans for has ever came to fruition. Maybe normal people need more planning in their lives, but when you have a to do list that starts off with:
Open eyes.
Reach for phone to shut off alarm.
Stand up.
Shut off alarm on entertainment center.
Exit to bathroom.
Splash face with water....
Maybe it's time to just start shooting from the hip? How about, just wake the fuck up? Let things develop organically. I've never done that. I mean not really. Not as a rule of thumb.
People chastise "flying by the seat of your pants". Well guess what, if that's the only way you're going to fly, then maybe it's a good thing. Because planning to attach my trousers to an aircraft has just left me stumbling over details like What kind of pants? What material? What color? How big of an airplane? Maybe a helicopter instead? Maybe for me, and for some of us, flying by the seat of our pants is the only way to fly.
I have a good 15-20 writing projects lined up. Some fiction screenplays and some focused blogs. I rarely, if ever, work on them. This blog that I am typing right now though? Obviously getting done and certainly wasn't planned in advance. I told you what I was going to do. Write some fancy symbolic fight between me as a character and a personified Monday. Well that didn't happen. This did. So maybe instead of berating myself for not going with my original vision I should be congratulating myself for actually completing something.
Or is that just the part of me prone to follow the path of least resistance taking over again?
Water doesn't think about where it's going to flow next or how fast, it just does. A frog doesn't ponder how best to be a frog. "Should I sit on this lily-pad? Should I eat that passing fly?" It just simply is a frog.
So why is it so hard for me to "just be" Josh Vish?
Isn't all of this technically being me? Aren't I being me right now? I mean maybe water or a frog doesn't question its motives and maybe that's perfectly fine, but maybe this is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe this is how I be me. Maybe the only secret to me being me, or you being you, isn't some specific set of guidelines for behavior, whether self-created or not, but simply being at peace with everything you do.
So maybe the way I'll cure my "insanity" isn't by changing my methods, but by instead expecting the results I've already been getting and being content with them.
People think I don't try. I think I don't try. Maybe I've been trying too hard?
The difference between the young version of me that drew, made people laugh, got in shape, moved to LA, made short movies with people, etc. and the me that doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything I want is that he just did. He didn't obsess or plan, he did. "Just do it." in person form.
The difference between the me that wanted to write a clever narrative that would awe and inspire people and the me that wrote this blog is: that I actually wrote mine.
Instead of trying to sit down and figure out what I want from life in clear-cut black-and-white terms maybe I just need to let go and see where I head naturally.
I'm sick of saying I used to be this or I used to do that. Or I want to be this, I want to do that.
You know what?
I am.
And for once in my life, that's good enough for me.
It would be so nice to end it there. So movie happily-ever-after. But the sad fact remains that it doesn't end there. I simply do not know who I am or what I want to with my life. And until I figure that out, I am effectively paralyzed. Dead in the water.
"And where does the newborn go from here? The net is vast and infinite..."
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