3.21.15 - Spiritual Colorblindness

What if I told you there was a whole world of "color" out there that you weren't able to see? Well, naturally, being a part of our "I'll believe it when I see it." culture, you likely wouldn't believe me.

What if I told you that "color" and "colorblindness" were mere metaphors and symbols for an entire realm of perception just beyond your grasp?

Would you believe me?

Would you trust me?

How could you know if there were no linguistic way to communicate it to you and no possible way of direct perception?

I ask you to put on these "Special Glasses" and to learn to see the world the way that I do. Connected. One. More uniting us than dividing us. Where the majority typically perceive separateness and division, I only see unity. Moreover, I have no clue how this is not 1) painfully blatantly obvious to everyone else and 2) I have no clue how to effectively transmit my perception to those not already in possession of it.

It's going to take a leap of faith.

You're just going to have to believe...

Maybe one day, you will see...

Until then, you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Tjúguskegg

3.17
"The innocent side of love is captivating to you these days. Although you are ready to reduce the complexity of your life, downsizing is more challenging than it sounds. Nevertheless, walking away from a stressful situation might be part of the larger plan. But this is not the time for a Houdini-like disappearing act; instead, you are learning the subtleties of patience. Romance need not be a house of cards held up by fantasy; a down-to-earth approach to love is more likely to result in a happy heart."

3.19
"Your life seems to be working out just as it should now, but for some unknown reason you still secretly wonder if everything is going to be okay in the long run. This odd juxtaposition tells a story of what can happen if you hide your feelings from those you love. Even if you have a clear view of your path ahead, sometimes it's hard to know the best way to reach your destination. Don't let go of your vision of the future. Focusing on your goals enables you to find your way when you feel overwhelmed. Sharing a burden makes it lighter to bear."

3.20
"You prefer having your day mapped out in detail, but your current schedule won't likely withstand the shifting pressures. Unfortunately, even your most sensible plans will be turned upside down today because the Pisces Solar Eclipse rocks your 3rd House of Immediate Environment. Crossed messages may contribute to delays or even a cancellation of a scheduled event, prompting you to think deeply about how you spend your leisure time. Rolling with the unexpected waves of change allows you to turn any setback into an exciting opportunity."

I will now be drawing myself into all of my favorite series as my favorite character(s.) You're going to have to deal with this so you might as well enjoy it.

"The Way of the Samurai is, morning after morning, the practice of death, considering whether it will be here or be there, imagining the most sightly way of dying, and putting one’s mind firmly in death. Although this may be a most difficult thing, if one will do it, it can be done. There is nothing that one should suppose cannot be done."

"Almost all animals who survive external hazards to their biological functioning eventually die from biological aging, known in life sciences as “senescence”. Some organisms experience negligible senescence, even exhibiting biological immortality. These include the jellyfish Turritopsis dohrnii, the hydra, and the planarian."

"As scientific knowledge and medicine advance, a precise medical definition of death becomes more problematic."

"The concept of death is a key to human understanding of the phenomenon. There are many scientific approaches to the concept. For example, brain death, as practiced in medical science, defines death as a point in time at which brain activity ceases. One of the challenges in defining death is in distinguishing it from life. As a point in time, death would seem to refer to the moment at which life ends. However, determining when death has occurred requires drawing precise conceptual boundaries between life and death. This is problematic because there is little consensus over how to define life. This general problem applies to the particular challenge of defining death in the context of medicine. It is possible to define life in terms of consciousness. When consciousness ceases, a living organism can be said to have died. One of the notable flaws in this approach, however, is that there are many organisms which are alive but probably not conscious (for example, single-celled organisms). Another problem is in defining consciousness, which has many different definitions given by modern scientists, psychologists and philosophers. Additionally, many religious traditions, including Abrahamic and Dharmic traditions, hold that death does not (or may not) entail the end of consciousness. In certain cultures, death is more of a process than a single event. It implies a slow shift from one spiritual state to another.

Other definitions for death focus on the character of cessation of something. In this context "death" describes merely the state where something has ceased, for example, life. Thus, the definition of "life" simultaneously defines death. Historically, attempts to define the exact moment of a human's death have been problematic. Death was once defined as the cessation of heartbeat (cardiac arrest) and of breathing, but the development of CPR and prompt defibrillation have rendered that definition inadequate because breathing and heartbeat can sometimes be restarted. Events which were causally linked to death in the past no longer kill in all circumstances; without a functioning heart or lungs, life can sometimes be sustained with a combination of life support devices, organ transplants and artificial pacemakers. Today, where a definition of the moment of death is required, doctors and coroners usually turn to "brain death" or "biological death" to define a person as being dead; people are considered dead when the electrical activity in their brain ceases. It is presumed that an end of electrical activity indicates the end of consciousness. However, suspension of consciousness must be permanent, and not transient, as occurs during certain sleep stages, and especially a coma. In the case of sleep, EEGs can easily tell the difference. However, the category of "brain death" is seen by some scholars to be problematic. For instance, Dr. Franklin Miller, senior faculty member at the Department of Bioethics, National Institutes of Health, notes: "By the late 1990s, however, the equation of brain death with death of the human being was increasingly challenged by scholars, based on evidence regarding the array of biological functioning displayed by patients correctly diagnosed as having this condition who were maintained on mechanical ventilation for substantial periods of time. These patients maintained the ability to sustain circulation and respiration, control temperature, excrete wastes, heal wounds, fight infections and, most dramatically, to gestate fetuses (in the case of pregnant "brain-dead" women)." Those people maintaining that only the neo-cortex of the brain is necessary for consciousness sometimes argue that only electrical activity should be considered when defining death. Eventually it is possible that the criterion for death will be the permanent and irreversible loss of cognitive function, as evidenced by the death of the cerebral cortex. All hope of recovering human thought and personality is then gone given current and foreseeable medical technology. However, at present, in most places the more conservative definition of death – irreversible cessation of electrical activity in the whole brain, as opposed to just in the neo-cortex – has been adopted (for example the Uniform Determination Of Death Act in the United States). In 2005, the Terri Schiavo case brought the question of brain death and artificial sustenance to the front of American politics. Even by whole-brain criteria, the determination of brain death can be complicated. EEGs can detect spurious electrical impulses, while certain drugs, hypoglycemia, hypoxia, or hypothermia can suppress or even stop brain activity on a temporary basis. Because of this, hospitals have protocols for determining brain death involving EEGs at widely separated intervals under defined conditions."

"People found unconscious under icy water may survive if their faces are kept continuously cold until they arrive at an emergency room. This "diving response", in which metabolic activity and oxygen requirements are minimal, is something humans share with cetaceans called the mammalian diving reflex."

crazypersonthought: we have to return to the oceans....

The True Age Of Aquarius: The Return To Atlantis

Where are the most water-adapted humans on the planet, today?

[Mammalian Diving Reflex]

Aqua Sapiens sapiens

"Bradycardia is the first response to submersion. Immediately upon facial contact with cold water, the human heart rate slows down ten to twenty-five percent. Seals experience changes that are even more dramatic, going from about 125 beats per minute to as low as 10 on an extended dive. Slowing the heart rate lessens the need for bloodstream oxygen, leaving more to be used by other organs. Last is the blood shift that occurs only during very deep dives. When this happens, organ and circulatory walls allow plasma/water to pass freely throughout the thoracic cavity, so its pressure stays constant and the organs aren't crushed. In this stage, the lungs' alveoli fill up with blood plasma, which is reabsorbed when the animal leaves the pressurized environment. This stage of the diving reflex has been observed in humans (such as accomplished freediver Bret Gilliam) during deep (over 90 metres or 300 ft) dives."

[Underwater Vision] -- Seeing underwater... FUN FACT: without my glasses or contacts, and with only goggles, I have perfect 20/20 under water. Beyond 20/20, actually, it's more akin to the movie 'Senseless.' I can see every pore and goose-pimple on someone an Olympic length away.

Accidentally on purpose.
On purpose, accidentally.

3.20.15 -- Happy Birthday, Mr. Rogers! -- Fred Rogers would have turned 87 years old today. -- Fred McFeely Rogers (March 20, 1928 – February 27, 2003) 

Mister Vish's Neighborhood?

Mr. Vish's 'Hood?

How to impact/influence/educate/entertain children whilst doing the same with teenagers/young adults?

How do you account for sexuality, entheogens and intoxicants, violence, the concept of death?

Mr. V
Mister V

Mischievous Mystery

"Rogers was red–green color blind, swam every morning, and neither smoked nor drank."

*ahem* Vish! 

"In 1963, Rogers moved to Toronto, where he was contracted by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) to develop his debut in front of the camera, the 15-minute children's program Misterogers, which though popular with children ran just three seasons."

*AH-AH-AH-AHEM* VISH!!! 

"Rogers also believed in not acting out a different persona on camera compared to how he acted off camera, stating that "One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. I also believe that kids can spot a phony a mile away.""

"All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are. Ten seconds of silence."

X-Rated Mister Rogers
Rated V for Vish

"On New Year's Day 2004, Michael Keaton, who had been a stagehand on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood before becoming an actor, hosted the PBS TV special Fred Rogers: America's Favorite Neighbor."

Searchable shows. sometimes streaming

mister vish neighborhood
mister v talk

mister vish on record
mr v on record
mr v and you

vish us

here&now

MAKE FEEDING YOURSELF AND OTHERS, FUN. 

MAKE FEEDING YOURSELF AND OTHERS SYNONYMOUS WITH FUN. 

THE FUNNEST ASSEMBLY LINE EVER CONCEIVED.

Food Dance.

"Mindfulness is a popular buzzword that most of us associate with meditation, yoga and spirituality, although its definition in popular culture can be loose and subjective. In experimental psychology, the word is more rigorously defined as controlled attentiveness, a deliberate “awareness of what is happening in the present moment.”"

"Mindfulness “facilitates the acceptance of things as they occur.”"

"Good health is simply the slowest way a human being can die."


Memento Mori 

"1. Everyone must die...

2. The remainder of our life span is decreasing continually.

3. Death will come regardless of whether or not we have made time to practice the dharma.

4. Human life expectancy is uncertain.

5. There are many causes of death.

6. The human Body is very fragile.

7. Our wealth cannot help us.

8. Our loved ones cannot help.

9. Our body cannot help."

"Light Grey"
Lawful Neutral + Chaotic Good

"greydient"

Watch/listen to the entire thing entirely in its entirety or do us a both a favor and refrain from speaking to me forever.

"I and The Father are One. He who has seen me has seen The Father. Before Abraham was, I am. I am The Way and The Truth and The Life. I am The Resurrection and The Light." - [You Are, Too.]

"Wake Up EveryBody, and Find Out Who You Are."

"-A- Son Of God." - "Of The Nature Of God." -- We Are All Divine. EveryThing Is Divine.

"What happened was, this being blasphemy for the Jews, it became blasphemy for the Christians for anyone else [other] than Jesus to say it. They said 'Okay, baby, it was so with you, but there it stops! No more of this business!' And as a result of that, Jesus was made irrelevant by Pedastalization, by Being Kicked Up-Stairs. In spite of the fact that He said, "Greater works than these, that I do, shall you do." 'Oh no, upstairs with you, baby. Because we just can't have that sorta thing going on in a Monarchical Universe. We're not gonna have democracy in the Kingdom Of Heaven.'"

"Be not anxious for the morrow."

"Do not worry about what you shall eat and what you shall drink and what you shall wear, God'll take care of you. Doesn't He take care of the birds? Don't the flowers grow? They're wonderful, they're crazy, they're great! What are you worrying about?!"

"the only serious philosophical problem is whether or not to commit suicide"

"Yes, Boredom is of course -The- Problem."
"Boredom is the Other Side of Creativity. And the energy of Creation, that is the Yang, the Yin side of that energy is called Boredom. Everything is of course fundamentally Yang and Yin, if you understand that, you really don't need to understand anything else."

-- --The- Authority.-

3.21.15 -- "You're less interested in gaining recognition for your efforts today than you are in developing your potential. There is a deeper message that taskmaster Saturn is teaching you now and it's not about being admired or appreciated. In fact, you might be disappointed at first if your well-intended actions go unnoticed. Continue to do the best you can in all endeavors. Seeing your game improve is more rewarding now than anything else."

Please permit me an indefinite amount of time to sit still, breathe, and be quiet.

"Oh Buddhas and Bodhisattvas abiding in all directions,
Endowed with great compassion,
Endowed with foreknowledge,
Endowed with divine eye,
Endowed with love,
Affording protection to sentient beings,
Please come forth through the power of your great compassion,
Please accept these offerings, both actually presented and mentally created.

Oh Compassionate Ones, you who possess
The wisdom of understanding,
The love of compassion,
The power of doing divine deeds,
And of protecting in incomprehensible measure,
[...................................] is passing from this world to the next,
[He/she] is taking a great leap,
The light of this world has faded for [him/her],
[He/she] has entered solitude with their karmic forces,
[He/she] has gone into a vast silence,
[He/she] is borne away by the great ocean of birth and death ..…

Oh Compassionate Ones, protect [......................] who is defenceless. Be to [him/her] like a mother and father.

Oh Compassionate Ones, let not the force of your compassion be weak, but aid them.

Let [...........................] not go into the miserable states of existence.

Forget not your ancient vows."

I wish Abbey would get home already...

The Zen Of Anger

Girls vs. Boys
Crying vs. Yelling/Swearing

If I made you cry, good. You made me angry.

We abuse each other. And take more abuse than we fully consciously realize.

Random Ideas:
Girl that gets paid to have food eaten off of her. "taekwondo body pizza" (how's that for random?) has nightmares that intermingle with sexual fantasies about actually being eaten.

I will never feel guilty for being a man or expressing anger again. Not so long as it is acceptable for women to cry.

It is impossible to speak about the future. Anything we say automatically becomes the past, during the act of talking we experience the present. Thinking about the future is the only way to "talk" about it.

the value of limitation

"god mode" game, gain more and more skills until the "game" becomes boring, starts off as a puzzle, turns into an action-adventure, ends as a littlebigplanet/minecraft-esque create-your-own game, only way to "beat" the "game" is to recreate it inside itself
"infinity" the only thing there is to do when you've reached the end is: to start over. From scratch. "The Journey, not The Destination."

There is an inverse proportion between ability and motivation. The greater your ability to do something, the less your inclination to do it. We only want challenges.

The "meat" of the game is the human realm/level of awareness. Makes players forget they are even playing a game. The parts leading up to and coming after happen in a much shorter span of time. With the latter showing a propensity toward exponential increases in speed.

1 -through the dimensions
2 -single cell
3 -evolution
3a-ecosystem a
4 -consciousness
5 -humans
5a-Christ consciousness
6 -technology
7 -ecosystem b
7a-the singularity a [the direct beginning of the singularity]
8 -planets, solar systems, galaxies, cosmosystem, black holes, spiral power
9 -the singularity b [the near end of the singularity] "waking up"
10-starting over/ [Quantum Unity, Quantum Dispersal]

the "game" of "life"

Sorta like Katamari Damacy and Gurren Lagann rolled into one. (Get it? Rolled? fnar fnar fnar)
Dash of The Matrix.

What do you do once you've rolled everything up? Start over.
Separate it. Willfully disseminate it, then begin anew.


If I'm to be expected to control my anger, why aren't you expected to control your sadness?

I am high off of my anger right now.
I feel incredible.
I am thinking so clearly.

My anger focuses me.

Anger is nothing but misguided passion.

Pittsburgh, NM

NM stands for New Mexico.

And no more. And no more New Mexico.

And no mother.

And needs me.

As in no more New Mexico, Pittsburgh needs me.

I'm beginning to feel really really trapped. The lines between guidance and limitations have blurred. I can no longer tell them apart. I keep hoping it's just my depression flavoring my perception, but everything in my higher thinking tells me that I'm justified. I keep trying to steer myself out of this tailspin, to tell myself it's going to be okay, that everything happens for a reason, but it's getting harder and harder...

Life seems like a cruel parody of itself. Nothing seems real and everything seems arbitrary. I've lost the name of action.

I'm blathering and spiraling so I'll attempt to ground myself in some facts and lose myself in some storytelling.

A while back I was faced with a multitude of difficult events assailing me all at once (an increasingly common theme in my life). Without too much backstory it basically left me homeless, jobless and licenseless. But there was hope. A light at the end of the tunnel. That light has grown very very dim. Typically I am a beacon of light and hope for others. I can keep them positive, happy and motivated rather easily. However, it would appear, I am immune to my own medicine. I was able to deal with all the things I was dealing with because I thought I was headed toward an oasis. Rest. Well Deserved Rest. Everything I persevered through, though hard, seemed easy in a way because I knew I was heading toward something. Working toward something.

At what point does aiming toward a goal become more foolish than abandoning it?

I was due to move out west with my family and to attend university. Something I'd worked long and hard to zazz myself up about, and quite successfully so. I threw away many crucial possessions (bed, tv, entertainment center, washer, dryer, microwave, etc.) simply to be more mobile. I was moving halfway across the country. To live with my parents. I wouldn't need these things again for at least 4 years. Holding on to them would've held me back. Would've been too expensive to move it all. And I'd have no place to put it once I got there. But I did what had to be done. Or so I thought, at the time. I'd be able to afford new and better things once my education garnered me gainful employment. Why hold on to my dinged futon and nicked entertainment center? A California king and HDTV were in the works down the line.

No more.

Shortly after the incident with my car (see this entry for details) my mother disowned me. So now I'm down a sister and a mother. All I have left is my dad and baby sis. Both of which are pretty aloof to the whole situation. She stated her reasoning as this very blog. I suspect it goes far deeper than that. There is a very complex interplay of submissive and dominant personalities in my immediate family, it's for this very reason that my youngest sister and father are oblivious to these recent goings-on. On the outside world there is no question that I am an extremely dominant force (sometimes overly so) and the rest of my family is pretty much the same. However in comparison to the forces of myself, Taylor and my mother; my father and Sami seem tame and demure. And at times, when held in relation to my mother or Taylor even I can seem passive. Astonishing, I know. We are all very powerful personalities. While Sami, my dad and myself have all come to terms with this (for the most part) and let the dynamic shift and change as it will, it seems to very much trouble Taylor or my mother to be dominated. Especially so by me.

In essence I think my mom was saying, "You can't fire me, I quit." I think she has always feared abandonment by me and when the stakes got this high she preemptively struck. I also believe a hint of reverse-psychology was present to try to motivate me and switch the balance of power to her favor. Doing what I do best (pushing past things, moving forward) my brain got to work at rationalizing the issue. Two branches developed simultaneously. Denial and acceptance. Both due to pride. My initial defensive thought was, "Fine, you know what? She was holding me back any way." (Which I've come to modify and understand more realistically.) And then it developed into rage. I'll stay sequential. While I love my parents more than anything and wouldn't change them for anything (up to the point of disowning me) my mother has always been close-minded and conservative. Very "Christian". In the derogatory sense. Many of my sources of shame with regards to sex, swearing and religion came from her.

Growing up (and still today) my dad was always far more approachable. Calm. Rational. Open. Ready and willing to answer my questions about God and The Universe and sex and my own body and swearing and society. My mother however was very oppressive. Like the Pope."Why [x]?" I'd ask. "Because God says so." she'd reply. Pretty much any time I've ever felt shame in my life it's come back to her. Not God or my own conscience, but her. WHAT IF MY MOM FINDS OUT?! So her disowning me, in a way, was a huge relief. A freedom from a burden felt for a quarter century. No more needlessly worrying over a backwards individual's slant on my life and actions. While a lot of that still holds true (and is getting me through this) it's been severely altered since. She is still my mom and I will always love her no matter what. The lionshare of who I am (meaning mostly the good, but the bad as well) was directly plagiarized from her. While she often felt like I held my dad in higher regard than her, the truth was (and still sorta is) that I look up to her in most every way imaginable. While my dad is very nice and open, he's not very assertive and prone to getting stressed.. My mother is the picture of calm and strength (except when it comes to dealing with me) and I still try to exemplify the ideal caricature of her I have today.

The moniker of "Fat Toni" (as she is as authoritative, demanding, and scary yet relaxed as a mob boss) was anything but slanderous. This is still the portrait I paint of her to others. The Pinnacle Of Feminine Strength. And in a lot of ways nothing her present self does can ever sully this perfect portrayal of her. So while I still feel freed in a lot of ways there is an obvious and devastating sadness to surmount. This is, after all, my one and only mother we're talking about here.

Backpedaling and explanations aside, what she did is pretty much unforgivable. If she approaches it correctly and enough time has passed in between, I am near positive that I will forgive her. (Much like my sister.) But only if she asks. (Also like my sister.) At this point they are dead to me. Completely due to their own actions. I didn't want it this way, believe me, but alas I can not control everything. The sad part is her pride (again much like my sister) will probably prevent her from ever asking for forgiveness. Indeed she is probably reading these words right now feeling bitter contempt and seething rage. And all I can say to that is something she taught me a long time ago. "You made your bed, now lie in it."

At the risk of sounding dramatic pretty much the entire course of my life was swayed by this flippant decision of her's. Not just material possessions were cast aside. My career path and many other things have been caught in this maelstrom as well. And for that, a part of me will possibly forgive her, but will absolutely never forget for as long as I hold conscious thought in my brain. The one person in this world that I am supposed to be able to depend on, abandoned me. When all else fails, you have your mom. Not me. Not now. Not ever again. My trust is shattered and can never be restored. It is a one time only thing. While I might be civil with her in the future (not the least of which for the sake of my dad and Sami) we will never have the old relationship that we used to.

Point blank I think my mother is scared of me, and I think that her fear drove her to push me away.

So now where do I go from here?

I'm living with my girlfriend and I've got my license back, but my bank account is still in the negative, my car has a flat and I've yet to secure employment. Things are better than they were, but by no means ideal.

At what point does striving for a goal become more foolish than abandoning it?

I lost my ultimate goal in life some time ago. I wish I could blame it on this singular event, but I can't. Though it has certainly contributed greatly. I know all the little things I still want from life, (entheogens, Japanese culture, a gym membership, real whole food, to positively impact those around me, fame, freedom, some world travel, constant learning, constant improving in all three fields: spiritual, mental, physical) but I have forgotten the end goal. If I am currently lavishing looking at the stars on my way to the moon then consider that I have forgotten where the moon is, what it looks like and the fact that I'm even going there.

I love comedy and I love consciousness exploration but I can't fathom either of those blossoming into standalone career paths for me. They will certainly attach on to whatever I choose but I can't rely on them alone. Day in and day out one thing continuously stands out to me. One path screams at me. One path I've barely begun down but am extremely excited to follow. Movies.

Every time I watch a good movie I am energized. Moreover even if I watch a horrible movie. As long as I am not indifferent to it, movies motivate me. Good ones inspire me to catch up/keep up and bad ones inspire me to surpass and show how it's done. I am severely aware that I am simply talking to myself here but, there has only ever been one choice for me for what to do when it comes to my life. Make movies.

To me, it's the only thing worth doing on this Earth as a main source of income. I have trouble working for companies or bosses that I don't understand or sympathize with, but creating visual fiction with a band of individuals that share my goal sounds like heaven to me.

Maybe I'm not as lost as I thought....

There is another thought/fact that came to me a few days ago and has been working wonders to calm and focus me again: I have always been (and will probably always be) a late bloomer.

From where I was born in the Gregorian calendar, to the epoch I was born into, from the late age I first spoke to even hitting puberty years later than my peers. But that late puberty and the delay in speech held apparent reason: when it rains, it pours. I may have spoken later than my peers, but I began speaking in full grammatically correct English. No coos, no ma-mas or da-das. My parents were beginning to get worried that perhaps I was slow. Until one day... "May I have a cookie, please?" "You were biding your time." My mother said. From complete silence to full sentences. Puberty. While everyone else was getting chest hair and beards and growing taller I was seemingly following the same path as my father. Literally a single chest hair (I had a song about it), sparse leg and underarm hair, a shadow of moustache and nothing else. But when puberty DID hit, it hit like a ton of bricks. I went from zero to manly nearly overnight. To this very day in my outward appearance it is painfully obvious that I practically bleed testosterone. And this being from a person who had resolved himself to being beardless, hairless and puny for the rest of his adult life.

I have to remember that I'm ALWAYS late. ALWAYS. It's one of those things that makes me who I am. However, while I am usually late, I also usually go above and beyond. Far surpassing those that "arrived on time". This thought is quite comforting to me. Like a warm blanket. Heck I didn't begin lifting or smoking marijuana until my late teens and yet when I did.... BOOM. I went full tilt. With lifting, I went from 181 lbs. at 12.5% bodyfat to 225 lbs. at 9% in under 6 months. Steroid-free. I meticulously planned my workouts, absorbed knowledge from every available source (especially trial and error), fastidiously monitored my nutritional intake and constantly fine-tuned. One of my nicknames at the gym was "The Mad Scientist". Due to my stacks of notebooks chronicling my daily diet and fitness regiments. When I commit to something, I commit to it fully. I go hard. I was resolutely against marijuana and other substances that I was foolishly taught were "drugs" as a teenager until I moved to California and had my consciousness expanded and the truth revealed, and since then I've become a regular shaman. I own scores of books, I've read countless articles online, joined forums, done hundreds upon hundreds of hours of research on the subject, I ingest anything that can educate me about entheogens greedily and thankfully. I've smoked copious amounts of cannabis in different settings, quantities and potencies. I went on to explore alternative methods to smoking; vaporizing, oral consumption, etc.  I've taken a variety of psychedelics and been mindful from onset to several days later.

If I truly have cemented my life path (filmmaking) then nothing will stop me. I may be 25 and far older than I wanted to be when breaking into the scene, but I have to remember, it's all going to be worth it when I'm more well-known and more synonymous with movies than Steven Spielberg or James Cameron.

I will begin creating my New Mythology, here in Pittsburgh. I'm done fighting to break free from this city. If it wants me this bad, it can have me. ALL of me. Until it can't handle me anymore. Until I inevitably grow too big for it. I'll resume my writing, utilize my resources and friends, jump on stage at the improv, I will do whatever it takes to succeed.

"Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden

Alan Watts - The Real You