Tuesday (Time for action.)

It's 4:15AM on Tuesday, the second of March, 2010 as I type this. Well 4:16 now, but you get the idea.

I was super-depressed last night/yesterday and about ready to hang it up.

It goes back to the whole wanting it bad enough thing. If you ACTUALLY want to do something, you'll do it. No matter the circumstances, you will find a way to do it. Aptitude at doing something was not what I lacked, it was the drive to do something. I didn't want to do anything.

The goal creates the path, not the other way around.

I'm feeling very positive, but also very nervous. I was proactive and checked some job listings and the very first one I found sounds a like a dream job, for where I am in my life right now. As such I updated my resume and am amidst plans to get a physical copy there. I know a person who works at the building where this potential job is located. Seeing as how as my main method of transportation will have to be the bus, I decided accompanying a person also reliant on the bus in order to get to this destination was a wise move. He too is sans license and must utilize his feet and public transportation to secure employment. So we've set up a little "Take your Josh Vish to work" day.

The plan is I follow his route so that I know it for the future. Later in the day I plan to revisit it with Kevin. I also plan on having a fresh haircut, looking overall presentable and having a resume in tow. So that means I leave in a bit to go on my journey of discovery and enjoy some down time on the ride home and then later, GET SHIT DONE. I'll do what it takes to get my resume printed and to get cleaned up and then we'll head down to turn it in.

I am nervous.

For the first time in my life, I am nervous. I used to be a un-ending wellspring of confidence, but these past few years have done more than their share to humble me.

How do I regard my jail time in the interview? My time on Pretrial Electronic Monitoring? Fuck. I am so nervous. When you go in to interview for a job you want to look and feel your best. I certainly don't feel it and I'm worried I don't look it either. Hopefully my resume is solid and my overall personality shines through. This is a chance at a gym job and I WANT IT BAD. Free membership? Employment? I'd be well on my way to getting my life back together. Gaaaaaah! It's exciting but nerve-racking at the same time.

I have a feeling of putting all my eggs in one basket and I know that's dangerous, but I can't help it. This would solve SOOO many problems for me. Not just having an income and getting in shape again, but maybe repairing my relationship with Kevin and my parents. Not just restoring my confidence in myself, but restoring their confidence in me as well. And if paying rent and feeding myself are no longer my main concerns I can re-focus on my long-term goals.

There is sort of an unspoken agreement in the air right now between me and Kevin. I brought up that I can't really afford to move and that anything coming of his moving out would be shouldered by my parents. He basically laid down the same guidelines that my parents and Shannon have laid down for me years prior. It's sort of silently understood that as long as I am going to be productive and actively trying to get back on my feet instead of thinking of the most efficient method of suicide that he is going to stick it out and do what he can to help me. In this case meaning continuing to live here until I'm financially able to move out as well. None of that is confirmed and it could just be wishful thinking and misconstrued information, but I'd like to think I know him pretty well by now and I also need to stay positive. I need to feel like my actions are going to have some positive effect or I won't even bother doing them.

That last sentence holds more meaning than I have time to expound on right now, but suffice it to say that is my overall outlook on life currently.

I need to feel like my actions are going to have some positive effect or I won't even bother doing them.

So here it is. And here I am. Hopefully putting a positive foot forward. It's not Monday morning, and I haven't had a full night of sleep and I'm kinda scruffy at the moment, but so what. At least I am moving forward. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and if I keep waiting for it to be I will never do anything with my life. All I (or anyone else for that matter) can do is to do the best I can with what I have.

And you know what? I think that if I do that, even if I end up failing, at the end of the day I'll be able to be proud of myself and to sleep soundly. And confident to get up and attack my challenges head-on the next morning.