Enjoy YourSelf.
All Aboard.
There is no turning back.
Breathe, and keep moving forward.
8:28a - begin journaling
8ish -- awake and discuss dream-nature of universe/cosmos/reality with Abbey
subsequently lose track of linear time and cause her to be running late for her morning, see her out the door, smoke one turkish royal cigarette on back patio in the cold snow without wearing a jacket,
come back in and screengrab desktop before beginning to blog,
write the above, then write the following:
Welcome to the Middle, Joshua.
Welcome to the Middle Of The Maze.
To attempt to escape the maze is to create the maze. To create the maze is to escape the maze. The middle of the maze is the start of the maze, the start/exit of the maze is the end of the maze. The middle of the maze creates the start and exit of the maze. The start and exit of the maze create the middle of the maze. The Middle is where you are now, where you've always been and where you will always be, The Middle is where All Things Are. You Are The Center.
Welcome to the Middle.
I know what I have to do now.
8:27a - screenshot desktop
Start From Here.
8:38a
[insert "I know what I have to do now" CASTAWAY quote here]
Self Identification Network
We have reached The Crease. The Fold. The Half-Way Point. We Are The Mirror. We are the point where our reflection meets the mirror. We are on The Other Side Of The Mirror. We are on the other side of the mirror, now.
8:43a - I am cold, and shivering. Thirsty and hungry. I am tired. I am thinking about getting a shower. A nice hot shower. Today is Monday, isn't it?
Reality [and "Linear Time"] is a palindrome. The perception of time is permitted by its palindromic nature being illusive to consciousness travelling along time's arrow. Time is the same forward as it is backwards. The end is the beginning, the beginning is the end. So on, and so forth, for eternity.
a book that is written and designed to be printed on pages that are to be stacked and then folded in/at the center, that from the "front cover" to the exact middle is a complete self-contained story which ends in motivating the reader to to flip the entire volume over and begin from the "back cover" which will then again lead to the middle which is another self-contained story mirroring the other in which the reader is motivated to flip the volume and begin again. there is no "front" there is no "back" there is no "volume" there is no "reader" there is only "Story."
By the time you are done reading this you should be simultaneously motivated to write your own story modeled after it and/or to flip the volume over and begin reading it again.
read it as many times over in a row as you have to until you are sufficiently motivated to begin writing your own story. write your own story many times over in a row until you are sufficiently motivated to begin reading it.
wash. rinse. repeat.
8:52a - fingers very cold, skin of top of hands especially so, slight shaking still present. lingering taste of ash in mouth. posture, deplorable. overall comfort: relatively high.
hmm pizza first or shower first?
hmmm easy to delude oneself into believing this a viable deliberation when sitting on the bed typing atop the laptop. in one universe, I get the pizza before the shower. in another, I get a shower before I eat the pizza. both exist simultaneously here and now simply waiting for me the conscious observer to collapse one into reality. which one I choose is my choice.
So there is no need to choose now, in advance.
I have already realized my choice, I must simply now allow it to come to be.
This much is certain, I will stand up and exit the bedroom to the hallway.
8:56a
I will either flow into the bathroom to begin prep for shower, or I will turn into the family dining lounge to grab a towel from the towel cabinet and/or to continue onward through into the kitchen for a slice of pizza which I will either eat it cold or I will heat up in the toaster oven which will coincide with multi-tasking continued prep for showering -- most likely I will end up eating the pizza in the shower. -- if I started teh showerbeer trend after felecia's dad introduced it to me with the highlife and smoking cannabis in the shower is known as the 'jamaican bake' then pizza in the shower shall be known as.... The Steamy Italian? The Steamed Italian? SteamPizza? I think perhaps I am overreaching, let the simple descriptor suffice for now until if and when a better one chooses to manifest and express. "Pizza Shower." Which, on the other end, feels too simple. Shooting from the hip, a little creativity and comedy is always desired. Self-deprecating humor is the best kind of humor, and possibly the only kind. Pizza Shower just doesn't have that zing. The Italian Shower. An "Italian Shower" shall serve to denote the maneuver until further notice.
9:04a
What's the most Politically Correct way to say, "Fuck You"?
I often feel the need to get ahead of myself. I wish to plan my playthrough in advance. I am considering using snippets and blurbs from this entry and future [and past for the matter] as facebook statuses as I have done in the past. Why do I feel the need to remark upon that here and now? Hmmm. I dunno. I just do. -- A pat on the back, perhaps. I've already seen a few clever turns of phrase that I'd to expose to my social circle at large, and as such, I very likely will.
I also currently
9:07a
feel the need to plan the future of my entire social media at this exact moment. 9:08a
But I won't.
I'm too excited to see which comes first, the pizza or the shower?
I will let you know when I get back.
9:09a slide laptop away from self and stand up...
leave cursor blinking spaced below this sentence, waiting for the next entry after the next activity, for accurate and prompt recording of self... 9:10a
grab monster import can off abbey's dresser and begin a new impromptu trash bag in family dining lounge which I've instinctively found myself in -- ah, apparently I chose pizza. apparently I chose food, or at least food prep, over immediate warmth.
put slice of chicken, bacon, spinach, tomato pizza in toaster oven, eye another cold slice and plan to ingest it as well, leave to start shower water getting hot, smile at self in mirror realizing this is the moment that this is the moment I realized this is why and how many of you will pay me to journal more in real time and as such provide me the accoutrements to do so (google glass, etc)
I now formally desire google glass and/or gopro and/or something like them but better. But I will not pay for it. Someone else will. People will purchase it for me and gift it to me, or I will not own it or use it.
foolishly start shower realizing pizza needs more time to toast, stop water, enter back into bedroom and plop down on bed to type the above
9:16a
*toaster oven ding*
ope, I forgot to eat my cold slice of pizza....
9:17a let's see what happens next...
9:18 start water, lay towel, prep fresh towel, retrieve (AND I PULL UP QUICK TO RETRIEVE IT) 'za and enter back in bedroom to type the above while eating
9:20a
plan - retrieve cold slice, take to bathroom, disrobe, shower
9:21a
9:46a
finished shower, dried off, robed. forgot to grab brush. sit at laptop.
during shower, important recent issues boiled over the fires of indifference distilled to their essence of relevance...
opening notepad document to draft a soft-confrontation for an issue plaguing Abbey and myself in the hopes of bringing it to an end and successfully transmuting it into a non-issue
11:47a typed up draft of proposed confrontation and sent it to abs for approval and shared a pleasant re-acquaintance with an ex-gf from a dozen years back. speaking with her really takes me back and in general feels like a challenging yet rewarding refresher course that is exactly what I need right now.
While speaking with her took away a lot of the stress the message stirred up, I'm still finding myself having a tough time fighting the urge to smoke a second cigarette.
Remembering my ex's dad and his throat scarring and raspy whisper of a voice makes me think of my mum's dad toward the end of his life and that whispery fuck abrasax from jupiter ascending which in turn go me refocused on abraxas and the symbolism of injured throats/voices...
regardless, I'm off in the cold to self-harm with nicotine... I'll treat myself to some dragon ball super and mayhaps a snack upon...
baby ma-fuckin'-steps dawg
I want to learn how to say 'Hajime-muthafuckin'-mashite' (はじめまして) in proper Nihongo.
Ha gee ma may mah tha fuck in mah shtay
I say this in my head like 10x day, it's time to willingly drag it out into reality.
I don't mean I want to learn how to say the phonetic phrase in full, clearly I've got that down, I just want to know how to translate 'muthafuckin' into nihongo in this context as a native would. not the stylized english insert that I enjoy. though upon initial review, that is likely what a native japanese would do.... as the phrase is hyper impolite regardless of being obviously comedic and as such would never exist in a language based on hierarchy and politeness.... delicious oxymorons abound!
12p
Look at me! Distracting myself away from my distractions! Being self-aware of my self-awareness! Contradicting myself without contradicting myself!
It appears that (は-ha) (じ-ji{gee}) (め-me{may}) (ま-ma) (し-shi{shee}) (て-te{tay}) is written mostly in hiragana rather than katakana so I guess my precise goal is the spell the entire abomination in proper hiragana that a native Japanese could read and pronounce successfully.
はじめ-MUTHAFUCKIN'-まして
ma-tha-fah-kin
muzza-foo-koo-en
mah-za fook-en
hajime-maza-[x]-mashite
マザー
maza
hajime-マザー-[x]-mashite
はじめ-マザー-[x]-まして
sumima-muthafuckin'-sen
すみません
Gomen-muthafuckin'-nasai
ごめんなさい
ファック
fakku
くそ
kuso
マザーファック
Mazāfakku
ファックン
Fakkun
ファックくん
Fakku-kun -- Fuck-Kun -- Fuck-kun --- FUCK-kun
ファックエン
Fakkuen - sounds far too much like fa-koo-em --although funny not accurate for intended phonetic slang
**ファックン**
**Fakkun**
It is then! Bonus unintended double-entendre! (Fuck-kun! AKA FUCKBOY, hahaha)
Now let's try it all together!
12:50p
マザーファックン
はじめマザーファックンまして
はじめ-マザーファックン-まして
So a pretty cool achievement but still not the final goal of hiragana. I still like the hiranglish combo of the three characters then all caps latin letters followed by the final 3 characters.
はじめMUTHAFUCKINまして
はじめMUTHAFUCKINまして
12:55p
About that 2nd Turkish Royal...
2:17p distracted.... losing focus....
3:15p
feeling significantly distracted and withdrawn
succumbing to mindlessness... focus... lost....
resorting to watching Dragon Ball Super....
lost count... I've lost count... how times have I.... I.... I can't remember.... I can't remember what I'm trying to remember.... what was I counting again? what did I lose count of? I've lost count of what I've lost count of.
As such, I will stop counting.
3:16p
I will now allow myself to rest in semi-mindfulness expressed as temporary willing mindlessness whilst watching Dragon Ball Super and allowing myself to pay as much or as little attention to my self as naturally occurs during the length of the session of watching the episodes.
3:18p forcing this... i um... wrote some stufff.... i will try to type it up onto here at some point.... some point today i mean.... i wrote some stuff in my blue notebook.... i've smoked some res... i've taken some nyquil.... i'm going to smoke another cigarette on the back patio...
I feel tired and weak....
3:20p
what was I doing again? oh yeah smoking
*go to grab cig from case from other room*
3:21p
rambling
my back hurts
i can't think straight...
i'm losing track...
i'm losing track of losing track
i'm cold....
3:22p
lost soul lighter. hyperglossolia...
gonna go smoke now... then watch dbs...
3:23p
the most valuable man... the rarest rawest life...
3:24p
my lips are dry... a drink of something... maybe OJ.... first...
3:25p
3:26p
sloppy handwriting.... I need fitting robes... i need robes that fit me properly... properly tailored robes... i need a properly tailored robe...
3:27p
3:28p OJ was a good choice... mouth still very dry though...
3:34p
Give your focus to God.
3:35p
3:39p
consciousness samurai/ninja
appearing/disappearing at will
Now I will watch Dragon Ball Super.
3:41p
*heating up pizza in toaster oven* *bite of cold pizza* *start episode*
3:42p
*browser error initiated by clicking to switch to HD*
*refresh*
3:43p
3:44p *start episode*
"What? His actions are similar to what Freeza used to do." *toaster oven ding*
*pause ep*
3:48p なんだ "What? His actions are similar to what Freeza used to do." - Lord Of Destruction Beers AKA Beerus-sama AKA
破壊神ビルス
 |
| What? His actions are similar to what Frieza used to do. |
3:49p
 |
| That was a foul play! |
  |
| Do not worry, I have limited my power. |
 |
| I'm not disgusting like you. |
 |
| The winner is Vegeta. |
 |
| Well done, Vegeta. |
3:52p
3:53p
pizza
3:54p
*resume ep*
4:06p
*pause ep*
4:15p
*resume ep*
4:51p
trying to chill in the middle vs trying to create vs trying to destroy -- what force(s) will oppose you?
vs trying to think.
trying to think vs thinking
actively thinking vs automatically thinking
automatic thought
natural thought/thinking vs sought thought/forced thinking
focused thought vs flowing thought
focus vs flow
flow&focus
focus&flow
movement vs stillness
stillness and movement
4:59p
5p *resume ep*
*pause*
5:01p the difference between the intended audience for manga/anime/videogames and why -- HOMEWORK
*pause* 5:04p I like the culture of japan, but will I like the PEOPLE of Japan? Do they live up to their own self-portrayal? Have they accurately portrayed themselves? I idealize their polite language and emphasis on polite language but it denotes and their physical culture clearly connotates a passionate love of impolite things. they are in harmony with their perversion, it would seem...
I want to go to Japan because I imagine I will be able to be left when I choose to be so but also able to be social and heard when I wish to be. The latter is not as important as the former, as I mostly desire the former and lack it now whereas I mostly have the latter and do not really desire it.
Japan may be the highest difficulty setting reality has to offer. The challenge is at once daunting and invigorating. I'm gettin' all fired up. -- If I find Japan and I find one another disagreeable the Journey Back Home would be a perilous and difficult one if not a long and arduous one.
***************
Take care of your voice, Mom. Treasure it. Use it. It's magical. Plenty of people want to hear what you have to say in addition to listening to what is the sheer beauty of your voice. --- I think you might be subconsciously predisposed to be ashamed of your voice because life and society worked so hard to make you that way. Get loud. Sing as loud as your heart desires. Someone doesn't like or appreciate your singing? Ignore them and remember all the ones that do like and appreciate it. -- You should record yourself silly singing until you get confident enough to record yourself confidently singing. I think people would treasure those recordings. I think they'd treasure them to the point of seeking live performances.
***************
what were the magic words again?
abracadabra
abrahadabra
abraxas
abrasax
*the harry potter death spell*
5:18p FURTHER HOMEWORK think and compare and contrast british and japanese culture to one another and then the results to america
japan is literally killing itself pushing itself to the brink trying to be better convincing itself that it's motivating the world around it to relentlessly push itself toward being better as well or fall by the wayside when in actually they are only taking the cues of killing themselves and then rebelling by not working as hard. SLOW DOWN JAPAN, YOU'RE MAKING EVERYONE ELSE LOOK BAD. SLOW DOWN JOSH VISH, YOU'RE MAKING EVERYONE ELSE LOOK BAD.
karoshi
NOT ON MY WATCH. NOT ON VISH'S WATCH. NO MORE. NO MORE KAROSHI.
Japan uses death and fear to motivate itself into life and bravery, the rest of the world would be wise to take after that. Japan tends to fetishize death and fear and creating it as self-fulfilling prophecy, the rest of the world would do well to avoid that. Replace 'Japan' with "Josh Vish" in the above and it reads the same. Japan and Josh Vish also both use life and bravery and fetishize said use of life and bravery to motivate themselves into life and bravery and the jury is out on whether or not that is bad thing, only individuals can decide for themselves.
5:33p
be true -- be as true to yourself in each passing moment as you can - raw, real, true, you. -- and in order to do that, some times you must actively avoid doing it.
be you
be
5:35p
what does it take to be the best?
is scaring yourself into being better the only way?
is revering yourself enough to better? enough to be the best?
what is the essence of self-motivation? what is the utter core of what drives us to improve? where does ambition to succeed come from?
I think what takes being the best is enjoying being the best. And I think what enjoying being the best means enjoying being motivated to be the best even if by fear. A nonfear of fear, if you will. Allowing things to be fearsome pushes you to avoid them which in turn causes you to learn to overcome them. Allowing fear to be fearsome pushes you to avoid it which in turn causes you to learn to overcome it. And most importantly to desire to do so.
So yes, fear is necessary to be the best. Enjoyment of fear prevents fear of enjoyment. Fear of enjoyment prevents enjoyment of fear.
In order to be the best, you must enjoy being the best which in turn means allowing both fear and enjoyment to exist simultaneously side by side in harmony. and in order to enjoy being the best you must learn to enjoy fear.
enjoy yourself.
you must scare yourself enough to revere yourself
you must revere yourself enough to scare yourself
what motivates one to be the best?
when you are no longer fearing fear, that is to say that you allow yourself to naturally fear things, you find that your fears lessen, substantially.... almost as if the number of things there are to fear decreased
allowing natural fear to guide or push you prevents true fear from paralyzing you
choice is fear
stop choosing -- stop actively attempting to choose. just choose. allow decisions to manifest
6:01p
fear prevents death and creates life
"The Fear Of God"
life creates death and prevents fear
death creates fear and prevents life
life prevents fear and creates death
death prevents fear and creates life
death creates life and prevents fear
fear prevents life and creates death
6:11 *eyelids heavy*
'mom's spaghetti'
[will make yo eyelids heavy]
7:06p
7:34p
chicken tomato spinach bacon pizza
*toaster oven ding*
7:35p
7:46p [bullshit pix] bs 'paper'
[http://thestir.cafemom.com/being_a_mom/185828/11_normal_things_every_80s]
homework: "great responses when a job interviewer asks, 'Any questions for me?'"
8:04p
homework: "Here is how the pull-down exercise is described by Berra: The "pull-down" drill is so named because it comes from the end of the second phase of pitching guru Alan Jaeger's long-toss regimen, in which, after "stretching out" to 300-foot throwing distances, pitchers "pull down" to the comparably minute distance at which their final throws are made. But at Driveline Baseball in Seattle, where Weathers has been training for parts of the last two years, the drill is used as a once-weekly "max-intent" stress test to see just how hard a pitcher can throw." 100mph? pffffff. 1st goal set at 200mph then...
fighting isn't just about punching and kicking. or headbutting. or striking. or grappling. or utlizing your environment or about technique. or about speed or power or about endurance, it's about heart, about courage, about intent, about willpower, it's about fighting. fighting is about fighting. throwing, climbing, weapons, agility, screaming, biting, projectiles, firearms, everything pales to the core of intent - the will to fight
crazy new goal, become the top-ranked martial artist in ALL disciplines world-wide not through force but through gentleness. aim to beat each opponent as delicately and quickly and with as little injury to either party as possible.
go from hulk/wolverine/venom/guts/vegeta/oozaru/asura/rage/berserker/raphael/demonking/onepunch/piccolodemonkingmode/batman/ssj2gohan to goku/mikey/donatello/jesus/samurai-jack/Zenpool/superman/aang/ssj4/ssjg/ssjb/vash mode
8:34p Abbey's home, mint oreos
8:38p Abbey's eatin' chicken pepperoni rolls
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